This morning I dropped my son
off to the bus stop as usual. I teased him, cracked lame jokes, made
conversation with some other kids at the bus stop to his utter chagrin(don’t
bore them, ma!!),begged him for a peck in the cheek and irritated him no ends,
till he finally gave up and gave me a resplendent smile. That smile said a lot.
I could see and feel his love for me. So what if he keeps saying I should
behave normally, like a regular mother. I don’t know why he keeps saying that
to me often. I am the only mommy he has anyways!
So OK,maybe he thinks I don’t
act my age. But how am I going to make him understand that I am game to monkey
around and make a fool of myself to get that smile from him? How am I going to
make him understand how precious that smile is to me?
I am also happy to make a
fool of myself to get a smile from my really apprehensive paediatric patients
or the really old patients. I am ,in fact, less self conscious as I am getting
older.
Time is flying. I realise I
have to completely let go of being affected by pettiness in order to be peaceful.
I have to restrict myself to doing the things that make me feel alive and chuck
the rest. Do no harm, take no shit, die without regrets. Period!
No whiling away my days. No
living a life according to the opinion of others. No getting bogged down by
people judging me like it is their right to do so. My life is mine. While we
all spend a lot of time and energy thinking about what others will think, the
truth is that no one cares. Maybe that isn’t entirely true. People who love you
care and then there are others who care a little too ,but definitely not as
much as we might think. Most people are busy thinking about themselves and it is
a really futile exercise being self conscious and censoring ourselves because
of what others might think.
I need to find my own peace because
I am the only person I have any control over .For my peace, I know I have to
express my feelings, keep my conscience clear and not prevent happiness from
entering my life. If someone compliments me, why think they are trying to kiss ass.
Why not just be grateful, say thank you and move on?
I can’t keep postponing what
I want to do today till my son is older and self sufficient, till I get my next
raise, till I save some more money for my retirement....that list is unending!
How do I know if I will live till that day? What if I die of cancer or a heart
attack, or meet with an accident on way to work ,long before my retirement?
I realise that I censor myself
all the time because I don’t want to offend people. So I rarely express my true
feelings even to the people closest to me. I am a highly emotional person and I
need to connect to my close ones. Yet, even with my loved ones, I temper down
what I say, to not offend them or to avoid getting into an argument. Is it
worth it? What if all these bottled up emotions just explode one
day?
I don’t want to be afraid. I
want to face my fear, punch it in the face and bare my heart. There is already
enough stress in our lives. Why then resist the happiness that tries to enter
our lives? I am letting in the happiness and counting my blessings just now. I
am grateful for my son’s laughter, I am grateful for the smile of that old
patient whom I tease, I am grateful for the mischievous smile of the young
patient, I am grateful for the coffee this afternoon, I am grateful for the
friend who stood next to me when I took my househelp to the emergency for
stitches in his head this evening ( he fell in the washroom-yeah, it has been a long day),I am
grateful for this househelp who makes it convenient for me to pursue my interests
while he takes care of the chores at home, I am grateful I can run, I am
grateful for having sight and vision, I am grateful for having survived this
day and being alive!!
I want to live a life without
regrets, squeeze the marrow out of life and live each day like it is the last
day of my life. I know it will be a Herculean task for me to be in this frame
of mind at all times because I am only an average human being. But I will try.
I will try to live each day to my personal maximum and go to bed without
regrets every night.
P.S-On way to work this
morning I saw a man on the road, oh so covered in blood and so dead, his car
toppled over next to him. He must have left home/family to earn his bread and
butter like every day. How was he to know what destiny had in store for him? I
wonder if he got to live the life he wanted. I was really shaken at the sight
and it got me really really thinking. R.I.P stranger!
