My friendly foes

                                                         

On a short trip to the hills recently, sitting in an inconspicuous little restaurant,as my boys waited for their Maggie to arrive , I chanced upon this-

            

           'The ways'

To every man there openeth ,

A way , and  ways, and a way!

And the high soul climbs the high way,

And the low soul gropes the low;

And in between, in the misty flats,

The rest drift to and fro.

But to every man there openeth

A high way, and a low

And every man decideth

The way his soul shall go"

                  -John Oxenham

As I drift to and fro,on the misty flats,today the mind is on an overdrive. I think I love and nurture these demons in my head as much as I hate them.They won't leave me, and I have kind of made peace with this fact.

With help from these good friends in my mind,  I understand the futility of the arrangement of this life, yet mostly, I'm spending time caught up in all the trivial segments.I end up caring,caring too much and then gloat over that being my kind of thing.And then I reprimand myself because I would like to be this woman who doesn't give a damn-about anything! The good,the bad or the ugly!!I want the graph in my head to remain at a straight line.I guess I have extreme expectations of myself and hence get nowhere!

For some reason,I find myself trying to find something beneath the flesh,bones and mind. I don't quite get anywhere,but I keep searching. So much flesh and bone and mind everywhere ,where are the souls?Where's mine? Isn't that supposed to be part of the deal too ?When the rules are set  and decided for morality,societal norms,manners-everything;how do you gauge the soul value? Or is it inconsequential really ? Why can't I find that soul?

Everything seems to fill up fast-houses, hospitals, graveyards, junkyards, city dumps.  But nothing else fills. The real gaps remain there-unfilled and unfulfilled!

Sometimes someone will come along and restore the spright in your stride, help you love and laugh again, and  make you ignore your friends in the head for a while. Then again you realise, the gaps are there and  gaping wide. Your friends haven't left and will not leave.

However, considering that I am passing this way just once,this toilsome world, I might as well take it in my stride-sprighty or not! Let me show some kindness and care to someone when I can,let me do a good deed or two to a suffering fellow being ,let me be honest, let me play fair, let me do a thing or two without hurting my conscience as I pass this way!

The demons may know better and tell me otherwise mostly,but there are days I win too!

In this age of distraction maybe it's not a bad idea to sit with my friends in the head every now and then. They keep me in touch with the hard truths even as I struggle and want to keep that spright for ever!

                 

Just another day for me (and you) in paradise!

Last night I went to bed remembering some unpleasant things from the past and I ended up overthinking, like I usually do! Ta-da! It didn’t do much for my sleep of course,but I got off the bed in the morning looking all chirpy for the world to see. Sonny boy has his mid term exams happening after-all and today was English. I was to go for an early morning run,come back and wake him up for school. I did no such thing. Actually, I  got off bed,all grumpy, just in time to wake him up and then decided to go see him off to school.And yes, before leaving home, I talked myself into going for a 5k after dropping him off .

 So  I managed to go run my 5k pretty late by my standards. The sun was out in it’s full glory . I ran in a biodiversity park in the neighborhood and 500 m through my run,I found my mood changing for the better. I found myself feeling lucky that I had such a nice trail in the neighborhood to run in , I felt blessed for the shaded parts of the trail , I actually started feeling pretty joyous. Just 30 mins later ,I was no longer the grumpy woman who had  woken up 2 hrs back, cursing herself and feeling stupidly upset . When the endorphins had done their job , I was the me I like once again.

On way to work,I chatted up with the cab driver . I was curious since he appeared much older than the usual lot of cab drivers and was extremely well behaved. A truly gentleman driver. He told me he  was relatively new with Uber( had joined after retiring from his  regular driver's job in some company) and works for  longest possible hours everyday so as to earn the maximum he can. He has no place to call home in Delhi. He belonged to Sonepat and while in Delhi,the car is where he sleeps in, like a nomad!!! He visits his family back home once a week. 

At one point,I looked up from my newspaper to find him saying some prayers as he drove.He must have some big responsibilities back home. I was really moved and counted my blessings once more for  my own cushy life. I marveled at this gentleman and realised his life struggles had to be much harder than mine!

At work, I could sustain the peace I felt and my good mood. I managed to be in good humor with all kinds of patients- even the ones who try your patience !! My job ensures I get all kinds of them-the illiterates,the not so literates,the outright downtrodden,the really lower middle class and then the ones who are moderately well off.There was even a mentally retarded 20 something patient today.He’s been doing the rounds of my out patient department in the last week.I cannot understand a word he says,but his smile is disarming. My guess is he lives in one of the slums nearby and is used to going through his days almost like the stray dogs we find in the streets.Today, I realised he had come to my room just to try and talk and establish some contact. Maybe not many offer him a seat and humor him every day. But today , I did! And yes, that’s when I counted my blessings once more !! I realised I have no struggles in life compared to this young man.

Later in the day,one father who was getting his young son treated in the department,told me his son looked dapper in the clothes I had given him.I didn’t remember the kid by name or even by face ,but I keep giving my son’s old clothes to these kids now and then and he must have got some too. I pretended like I remembered of course.The father then requested me if I would see his daughter too, out of turn,because he had taken his day off and lost his wages for the day in the process. Also,two visits to the private dentist meant half his monthly salary. So he couldn’t afford to take her to the private dentist in the evening.Well, counting my own blessings yet again, I conceded and did the needful for his daughter in the afternoon.He was so thankful and his 9 year old daughter so cooperative a patient,  that I felt happier than usual attending to this patient. Of course, this father’s life struggles are way harder than mine!

Today was just another day for me in paradise really…I just wanted  to ramble here to remind myself once again not to be silly like last night. I know I am going to sleep better tonight. I just remembered something I read recently ---“That is how life happens. It mostly takes care of itself; it really isn’t as big a monster as we make it out to be in our minds.”

Amen!

Random Encounter!

It’s Monday morning and I decide to go for a short ride after seeing off my son to school. I try to go for these short rides on the days I’m not out running and its usually that time of the day when I see guys on their cycles heading to work, maybe to the nearby mall or shopping centre or office .

They have to reach before the more privileged lot get to work in the same premises .
No, no  they don’t ride to work to stay fit, or because they are trying to save the world or because they are environment friendly.
They are cycling to work merely because that cycle is the only means of transport they can afford. So many times, I  ride past and overtake these guys on an uphill and then invariably I find them increasing their effort and overtaking me again. I don’t go past them because I’m a stronger rider. It’s merely because I ride a cycle with gears which makes it easier for me in those uphills while they ride those  basic  gear less black cycles(many of the newer ones I see have Bahubali and some number written on them these days, by the way 😊)) I smile and play this game all the time on these rides. Some days I compliment the older gentlemen for struggling on the uphills and not getting off their cycles and walking like some of their counterparts.

I don’t say nothing to the younger ones. They take me as competition and push harder. So be it!

Two such encounters for today:)))

Today, I was exasperated on my ride though. There was too much traffic, mostly school time traffic. I decided to deviate from my usual route and it was a decision even worse. There were too many people on the roads trying to get their kids to school on time .Finally, when I had the traffic behind me and was just a few kilometers from home, a young girl wearing a scarf covering her head and no helmet, slowed down her scooty and started a conversation with me .

Girl-Didi, aap kab se cycle chala rahe ho? Maine aapko us din bhi dekha tha.

(since when have you been cycling? I saw you the other day as well!)

 Me-Shayad 2 saal se. Mein daudti hoon ,cycle to kabhi kabhi chalati hoon!

(Maybe 2 years.I mostly run.I cycle once in a way!)

Girl-Main bhi daudti thi.Abhi injured hoon.Doctor ne mana kiya hain. Knees me dard hain.Mujhe bhi cycle chalana hain!

( I used to run too.Am injured now. Doctor's asked me not to run.My knees hurt.I want to cycle too!)

Me-Chalao phir.Cycling to knees ke liye achchi hain.

(So why don't you? Cycling is good for the knees!)

Girl -Abhi aap kab se chala rahe ho?

(Since when are you riding today?)

Me-Ek ghanta bhi nahi hua-sirf 17km hue hain!

(Not even an hour.Have barely done 17kms)

Girl- Wow didi! 17km aur ek ghanta bhi nahi hua?

(17 kms and not even an hour! Wow!)

What can I say? I smile some more! I like her enthusiasm .

Girl:Thank you didi.Achcha laga aapse baat karke.

(Thanks didi! Nice talking to you!)

She’s ready to drive off.

Me: Helmet pehno helmet!

(Wear a helmet! Helmet!

Girl: Ok didi! Bye didi!

I smile to myself for a very long time. Did I tell you the traffic bothered me during my ride today? By the time I reached home to rush and get ready for work, it no longer mattered! I was still smiling and  thinking of my encounter with that 20 something stranger girl.

Life is good!

Mind games

I found my mind jumping from one thought to another today. The news of death of an elder in the family,the guilt of screaming at my boy in the morning (usual drama on a school day morning),the longish to do list,the excitement of the trip to the hills tomorrow,the boring administrative formalities at work and so on!

I want my mind to slow down ,I can’t seem to do it,I just can’t calm it down!

Wandering away thinking of those guys setting up shop(the cigarette,candy,rusk selling variety)on the footpath  as I crossed them while cycling in the morning! They were setting it up with so much deliberation and care. I wonder how their day will go sitting there in the sun trying to make some paltry money to make ends meet! Will they sleep better after such a hard day’s work or maybe because their worries are more basic, like food,clothing and shelter?

Wandering away thinking why it’s easy for me not to begrudge anyone anymore. I no longer struggle with my prejudices against others. Like they say, I am too busy watering the grass on my side to notice if the grass is greener on the other side.

I just feel overwhelmed when I realize the grass on my side IS greener!!I wonder if you know what I mean!

After work, I sat at a prayer meeting for a senior colleague’s son, who passed away at a young age of 36, battling cancer. I kept looking at the handsome young man’s picture and wondered what must be going through the parents’ minds. While I sat there,back home my father was mourning the loss of his eldest brother.He was 80 years old. My father is now the oldest of the 4 siblings alive(they were 7).I wonder what thoughts must be crossing his mind.

 I  clown around,laugh loudly, make jokes, act tough(even when I don’t feel so strong at times) and life goes on. It’s so much easier to let people see what they want,that picture of me that’s easiest to digest.I don’t complain because I know if I so much as whisper a complaint,I’ll be judged and criticized. But I know,for every person who made it big(wuteva-it’s again such a relative term-making it big!),there are hundreds like me who are hanging on there and turn nowhere for help,but inward!!!

Wandering away thinking, if there was a label for each person that told others everything about you,would it make people much kinder to one another.Would knowing others troubles and burdens not make us more considerate to them?

I would like my label to say "Psychia-good person,hard worker,trying her best!"

Tomorrow is another day!

P.S-I have no idea what I started out to ramble,but this rambling does me good!

Judgement Day

In no time they are as tall as you!

It’s tough being mommy to a teen aged boy. Today is a sort of judgement day for my boy.At least that’s how he feels.He gets his results and graduates to IXth grade today. He did not really burn the midnight oil in preparation for his year ending examination. But yes , he did prepare sincerely and put in the hours -mugging,learning,reading the prescribed syllabus. I gave him the time he wanted from me. He has  gone to school kind of tensed today. “How long will you be angry with me if my marks aren’t upto YOUR expectations (ouch)?”I tell him I’ll TRY not to be angry for too long because obviously it will make me happy to see him doing well!

After seeing him off to school today , I thought about all the pressure I inadvertently put on him to fit into the world and prepare for the onslaught of the rat race.

 Introvert fella that my son is, he only opens up to a few and speaks what’s on his mind to the chosen few in his life. He has few friends he wants to be in touch with, he has a very high emotional quotient (no,I’m not bragging or being biased because I’m his mom) and is very sensitive to the feelings of his immediate family. I am lucky to be the one person in his life with whom he speaks his mind, spells out his fears (or so I think!) and asks the most basic questions which leave me wondering whether I should give him the answers I should be giving him or the answers I WANT to give him. I want to tell him I don’t really care what marks you get today, that’s not what will make or  break you in life. I want to tell him life is about more than that medal or score in your class test. I want to tell him to follow his heart and do as he wishes. But , I know I can’t provide for him throughout his life. Some years down the line, he will have to earn a living even to maintain status quo on the  comfortable life he is living today.He has to get into the big bad adult world  and understand that it is survival of the fittest out there.

So without mincing my words, I tell him he has to go through the works-mug , practice and read the things he may have no interest in, decide what he wants to do in life and gear up for  the life  outside his sheltered cocoon  !! I tell him money talks and he has  to be earning a decent amount of it to live happy and comfortable.

One day ,very recently-he was talking about his life’s wish---how he wants to grow up to live in a small town in a small house,albeit with all modern amenities,earn just enough money to sustain himself, make a few friends (read 'get to know his neighbors'), own a small mode of transport to go to the nearby shopping centre to buy his daily needs(that is, if the place is not  at walking distance; otherwise he is good without one), read his books ,play his online games , exercise to stay fit and healthy and basically just chill out in life. I hugged him tight and told him that’s exactly what I want to do even today. But maybe, just maybe, life won’t be that easy!

He has started running a little with me of late! We run 5ks together every now and then.I never cajoled him into running. It is his own teenaged decision, because he figures he’s gotta do something to stay fit. Even yesterday, after having fixed a run date for the evening with me himself, he casually remarked before we started our run that he doesn’t really like running!!! He is doing it because he thinks he should. Well hello, life’s like that I tell him. But I can figure he quite likes running.

He is quite a sorted fella, my boy. I know it.You meet him and he may not even make eye contact with you.That’s how he is . I am at the receiving end of all and sundry asking me “Is he in a bad mood? Why is he grumpy? What’s wrong with him?”.I want to tell all these insensitive folks “He’s fine.NOTHING is wrong with him” He just doesn’t smile and laugh as much as his mom and doesn’t really care about his social status or what you think about him so much yet. Once he has  said his curt hello to you , he wants no further contact with you right now. Maybe he warms up to you someday if either of you care enough about each other but this is it for today. Thank you! And yeah, even if I’m smiling -I don’t like to be subjected to these insensitive queries either. He’s my baby!

If he likes you, he'll smile :)

When he asked me about this ‘problem’ he often faces , during one of our chatty post dinner walks, I told him I know he’s fine but maybe its best he just pretends like he’s really excited to see whoever he is meeting, be it for the first time. I had to tell him that even the most well meaning ,mature adults lack the sensitivity and just say what comes to their mind,without thinking twice . That’s life!

And he smiles! I know he appreciates me better when he knows I am being absolutely honest with him.

We have these mommy lecture sessions too when I tell him he has to learn not to give up on things.He has to learn to lose AND enjoy winning.He has to work on his weaknesses and make them his strengths. He has to try and stay away from envy and learn to enjoy his own company. He must know that failing is a far better option than cheating.He has to fight for his rights. He has to become a really kind hearted tough guy!!!He understands what I'm trying to say-I can tell from the way he hears me out!

While I took this rambling trip today, sonny boy’s back home with his results. He called a while back. He’s scored an 86.7%  aggregate in his final exams.We are officially in Class IX now!

I am more than happy. I didn't intend to be angry with him today,come what may!
I  know he’s a good kid. He’s such a nice son!

We have to celebrate his graduation tonight!

My boy!

Running for the love of it!

“We run not because we think it is doing us good, but because we enjoy it and cannot help ourselves.The more restricted our society and work become,the more necessary it will be to find some outlet for this craving for freedom.No one can say you must not run faster,or jump higher than that .The human spirit is indomitable”.Words of wisdom spoken by Sir Roger Bannister,the first runner to have run a sub 4 mins mile.He was born in 1929 and he set this record with minimum training while practicing as a junior doctor. His record lasted merely 46 days and though he pursued his running,he also went on to become a distinguished neurologist and Master of Pembroke College, Oxford before retiring in 1993. 

Why and how does running satiate that craving for freedom in our minds? Science says its all about the dopamines and serotonins and adrenaline. But being a sucker for things from the heart , I like to romanticise the whole idea of running!!

For me, running puts things so much more into perspective and so helps me experience the emotion of giving my all to myself! When you run hard and give it your all ,you can clearly see what you are made of and how, when given a chance ,you can work miracles!

Thanks to my own running ,the huge running community and how running has become like a fitness religion,I now have this huge number of facebook friends,our only common threads being humanity and running, I guess. I know few of them personally ,just a few!! But their stories keep coming up on my timeline and I see each one of them so deliriously happy about their running and running achievements . These are people very very well accomplished  in their professions, educated from the most premier of institutes, globetrotters-living the good life one would say! 

But it is obvious to see that the finishers’ medal ,the chip time and the fitness resulting from running are not the only things driving them to run. The feel good factor and the way it transcends positively into all other aspects of life play a major big role I’m sure. One just becomes more confident ,independent and disciplined. So many positive side effects!

When you are running a marathon or a half ,your worry shifts from ‘how to get out of this rat race?’ to ‘how can I finish this race in this much time?’ . From a life full of worries and long to do lists, here you have a chance to set yourself free from the unbearable formalities of society. Here you are learning the meaning of tough love and practicing tough self love!!!Fancy that! Enticing surely!!!

Running is such a big teacher.Its like personal development in action and who are you accountable to? Only yourself!! No one bossing over you ,yet you are pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to better yourself. And then the joy of true accomplishment, like quantum leap steps at a time.Can you imagine a better deal than that? I’m sure and I hope you are running those long distances for some of the same reasons as me.

If you are a reasonably fit person and go for your executive health check up  , no doctor is going to prescribe marathon running to you. They will only advise you 30 mins, 3-4 days a week of exercise(you could just walk that much !)and maintaining a healthy and balanced diet. But we run much more than that, don’t we ? Even though we are recreational and amateur runners? We want that PB ,we want to run more and more!!And then we want to win too-and why not? What’s wrong with aiming high?

Come to think of it, marathon running listed under your hobbies should impress any potential boss too I guess. Afterall,it’s the epitome of determination and endurance!!! For folks not getting any younger like me, apparently long distance running improves with age unlike 99.99% other sports merely because of increase of base mileage. I like that! So if you LOVE to run and it’s not something you are forcing yourself to do ,it’s all win win!!!

If some of us are running merely for bragging rights, to look fit or to lose weight, I hope and pray you fall in love with the sport someday, like I have. It’s a love for keeps! Running has set me free. A few miles on the run and I am free of all unhealthy emotions. It’s a no fail recipe for me!!