Lost..20th Aug

I hated walking into my place of work today. I hated jostling my way through the sea of patients to reach my room. I hated the thought that I was surrounded only by people burdened with woes -physical,mental,financial-you name it. This is routine for me. I should be used to it you would think. But naah! Not that simple.On days when I don’t wake up chirpy and am desperate for some positivity,for someone or something to make you feel better and all I get is to see suffering and penury around me-it sucks! And it sucks big time I tell you!

Most of the days I feel extremely grateful for the life I have compared to the dime a dozen poor patients I have to meet and see and attend to every day. I always tell myself these people help me stay grounded .This is life -raw and real. The one I’m living in and  bringing my son up in is luxury. I have to deal with all kinds of people afterall- people walking in tatters, junkies(stoned to bear the misery called life) ,really filthy(hygiene wise) folks ,people trying hard to overcome the hurdles and get forward in life-all kinds! I am a dentist,not a psychiatrist I know. Yet,when you deal with a lot of uneducated  and really poor people you will realise like I do now-they don’t come with just a tooth woe -they come with their entire baggage. Their baggage is part of them-they cannot park it in any sheltered cocoons,so they carry them along—wherever they go! That’s how,me the mere dentist gets a glimpse of their miseries and sufferings ever so often.

Anyways,why I am rambling today is because I really donot want to encounter any of this today. I just want rainbows and pretty flowers ,happy faces and sunshine today.I want a magic wand to be happy and to not  feel the way I do just now. But I don’t have an alternate place of work to go to unfortunately!And life doesn’t work according to my whims and fancies. So I ramble on  every now and then. Sometimes these ramblings make me feel better,sometimes I cry as I write,sometimes I end up more angry, sometimes more sad and life goes on. The sun sets like always and the day gets over. Sometimes I win,sometimes the devil in me wins . It’s a neverending hustle…trying to be happy and  content.

Sometimes I’m not even sure if happiness is what I’m chasing. I am just hitting a big time low today…down down down. I am trying to will myself to do the things I know I should do..but I am losing with the devil in my head by tooooo big a margin. I just want to give up and let her do whatever the fuck she wants to do. Nothing is enough anyways!!!

So many responsibilities to fulfil,so many mundane tasks to finish,so many things to keep me busy in vain.

I want to go away… somewhere far far away from everyone and everything that constitutes my life. Just breathe in some fresh air and cry and laugh when and how I want to ,not be politically correct,not restrain myself from doing anything at all. Or maybe just die and put a full stop to all the craziness in my head. I am tired of it all. I just want out of all the pain and nonsense!

In the meantime-I have to live some more it seems—however!!!!

;

Sunday morning is the long workout day. I haven’t been feeling upto it for sometime now. It’s been too muddled up in the head recently. Anyways, I’m nursing kind of a lover’s tiff with running , but it is pertinent to move myself for more reasons than one at the moment. So yesterday, to make my Sunday morning feel more normal,I decided to cycle.

 I kept cycling loops around two main roads near where I stay in South Delhi for 4 odd hours. Its funny how even when you are moving physically in one direction,your brain can still go another way.I was cycling but in my head,I had so many things flashing by.

By the time I had finished my first loop,I saw this guy on the road, an “apparent mad man”.He sent my mind on an overdrive. Well, we see these mad people on the roads…some of them even stark naked but surviving the streets of Delhi and still living on. No authorities will take them away or put them in  an asylum. Their plight seems worse than the stray dogs. Yesterday on my ride,I also saw a MCD van full of stray dogs---probably being taken to be spayed/neutered. Hence the comparision came up as I type this.

 This mad man I saw was wearing a pair of shabby torn trousers and nothing else and walking on the street( it appeared more like he was dragging himself)-at first I thought it was just another drunkard on the road. But it wasn’t so. He was either crazy ,as if he had lost his mind totally or was on the verge of it.He had a lot of bruises in his elbows and back ..the bruises were fresh and bleeding. Well I rode past him and didn’t think much.

But next loop he was there again,he had succeeded in moving about 200-400m forward in the 30 mins that I took to get back to that place. Now I wondered WHY he was moving so slow to go whereever he wanted to go because he seemed to be walking okay..no bones broken,no deformities. That’s when I realized he just didn’t believe he could walk. He was crazy or so he believed. I shook my head,felt pained to see the guy this time and went on. 

Next loop …he was sitting on the footpath…just where I had seen him earlier.Okay…stop going on a downward spiral seeing this guy’s misery,I told myself. 

Next loop— he was actually trying to drag himself forward on his elbows and back(that explained his bruises) .I don’t know why he was doing that because I knew and saw he COULD walk. I screamed at him and told him to get to one side unless he wanted to be run over by a speeding vehicle. Oh my God, I don’t know why , but seeing him like this made me angry with myself and life and everything else.

 My ride was all but totally ruined. But just then the  rains started-first drizzling then a heavy downpour….typical hour long Delhi showers. I cycled on and felt trifle better. The rain was so heavy that I was almost blinded by the water falling on my eyes. But I could carry on because it was a Sunday,there was hardly any traffic and all the two wheelers had come to a halt because of the rain. I did two more loops  before I returned home. The crazy fellow was on his elbows and back,looking skywards and blabbering and howling. He was complaining to the Rain Gods I suppose.

Naah, I wasn’t a good Samaritan. I didn’t stop to help him. I didn’t stop to ask him what was wrong. I was not in the frame of mind . On a good day,I would have probably stopped and handed him some money or fetched him some food at least….but not yesterday. I was low on empathy! I was riding to help me out of my own misery,not to help anyone else.

 But yes, I kept remembering the loony. 

This morning, I willed myself to run a 10k on the same loop and almost expected to see him there…but there was no sign of him. I made no mention of him to my friend., with whom I was running. But now I am thinking more clearly .

So it strikes me now how we tread on the thin line between sanity and insanity. How we busy ourselves, day in and day out with so many things -some important, some irrelevant,but mostly mundane stuff and don’t realise that we are all in danger of crossing the line. 

Actually I think many of us keep jumping over that line every now and then completely unaware of the same. Then we find our way back to the safe zone and hence don’t think much of it. All you need is for the darkness(read stress ,anger, depression ,sadness or any other intense negative emotion ) to overshadow the light and there you are ,on the wrong side of the fence.

 I find myself there often,I KNOW when I’m there and I keep willing myself back to where I think I belong-the safe sane zone!!I am nowhere as strong as I would like to be but there are times when I feel so overwhelmed that I feel I won’t be able to find my way back. I haven’t been able to clearly express these feelings to myself or anyone else till date. But this guy I encountered yesterday made me think hard….about so many things!  And for now,today,this rambling is helping. Thankfully,I am still managing to handle the two states of mind …but that poor fella had crossed the line and ventured to a point of no return I suppose.I have myself experienced intense light followed by blackest nights. But so far,there has always been light in the end. I need more of that light and I need to park myself in the light longer. I find my resources dwindling so many times and it scares me!

It’s all too tough!

"Tears are words that need to be written"

I lost a friend and colleague last evening. 

He and his family fought his Glioblastoma Multiforme(one of the fastest growing,most malignant brain tumors) the best they could in the last six months till his body could fight no more,the doctors could help no more,the prayers could help no more..because his time had come and no one could  change that.

He leaves behind his wife and two young teenaged children.

As long as he lived , he used to do everything possible to make them happy and be involved in every little thing in their lives. A totally hands on dad and husband he was. Six months back it would be difficult to fathom how that family could ever manage without Rohit. 

But since the time he was detected with the dreaded terminal disease ,I have seen his wife handle everything with so much courage and dignity and levelheadedness. Standing there at his funeral today, as he went up in flames,I just couldn’t help respecting the lady for the way she conducted herself through the tragedy . At all times, she was totally THERE for her children. Its true what they say about a person's true strength and character only showing in the face of adversities.

 She will grieve and cry a lot -she will need to.There were many of us friends and family today to take Rohit on his final journey and to support his wife and kids. But of course,grief is finally a walk alone. We can be there and listen.But ,she and her kids will walk alone down their own path of grief,at their own pace, with their raw wounds,their feelings of denial,anger and bitter loss. Hopefully,they will soon come to their own peace.But it’s a given they will have to do it on their own ,in their own time. May they find the strength to do so and to be each other’s strength.

Its fascinating how the wisest of us think we could help someone deal with a loss like this. But I guess,we are only human. We want to help,we want to be able to be of some service and help ease the pain and suffering we see in our fellow human beings.

Looking at her dead husband she said to me-I couldn’t even spend 20 years with him. That’s life-20 years too many for some, twenty years too little for others. Try how hard we may,we can’t be completely prepared for our tomorrows. Yet,like the Buddha says ,“The trouble is, you think you have time”. It really is pertinent that we live each day as if its our last.

Going to Rohit’s funeral ,watching his 15 year old son going through the rituals as advised,was heart breaking ,to say the least. 

But now as I sit and type this,I marvel at the strength of the boy to go through the entire rigmarole so calm and composed. He sat clenching his fists so hard as he sat next to his father at home-in denial,in anger.I couldn't imagine what went through his young mind-but it took me all my will not to go hug him and ask him to let go whatever he was holding back. But once at the cremation,he looked totally in control. Its all about resilience and the human spirit. The human spirit ,like someone said, is stronger than anything that can happen to it. Otherwise ,we would all die of heartbreak I suppose.

I knew Rohit for close to 12 years,we were working in the same hospital for 9 years or so. He moved to the colony I stay in,some years back and we were car pool partners too till I got transferred to another hospital. As is obvious,the 25km drive up and down 6 days a week made us share a lot of our experiences and life stories.He was a good man and a good friend.He was a sincere and dedicated surgeon. He was always so proud of his wife and children. He  was 48 years young.

 He must have had plans for himself and his family’s future like we all do.Of course he never anticipated this terrible turn of events.Yet, as he lay dead,he was the one who looked completely at peace-no more suffering ,no more worries,no more stress. So many of us grieving around him but he was oblivious to  it all and gone. He had reached his final destination.

Though they can never overcome the loss ,his family will reminisce the beautiful memories of the years spent with him , time will heal and life will go on. I hope Rohit left without many regrets. No one can ever do ALL the things they want to do in their lifetime,but keeping the conscience clear and to know in the end that you did the best you could helps,I am sure!

As Rohit left,I brought their little pup Joy to stay over at our place because there will be too much happening at Rohit’s. His wife wanted me to babysit on him till some normalcy can be restored in their household.I find myself telling the 4 month old pup to buck up because he has a lot of responsibility on his shoulders,to cheer up the aggrieved family,to shower more unadulterated love on them,to be their super anxiolytic drug! I know he will be able to help them destress more than anyone else.

The search for our  coping mechanisms and our dependence on them will never be over. That’s life! Death ,on the other hand, is simpler!

Peace!

“I am the one that’s got to die when it’s time for me to die. So let me live my life, the way I want to”-Jim Hendrix

Rohit: 17th April 1970-28th July 2018

Amor fati:))

With Nitesh and his pal !

5^th May 2018, 8.30 am

I'm about to be landing in a place I've never been to before. Travelling sans any expectations, going to run a HM in a new place, decision taken one fine day without much deliberation. I feel happy this morning.. just to be getting out of Delhi. I feel happy for the next 40 hours or so of.. well..I don't know:))

I feel happy to be sitting next to strangers and not having to talk to anyone on this 3 hrs flight.

I guess travelling makes me happy because it's not something I HAVE to do--I'm mostly travelling by choice:)

I smile thinking of my son telling me last night to let him know when I land. I kissed his forehead while he was sleeping before I left this morning. He is the reason, I do most of the things in life. And I know, even if I am not indispensable, he does need me in his own ways. And I do want to play fair and square with him and not shirk from my responsibilities towards him since I brought him into this world.

Yet, I just feel very happy to be getting away from my “regular” life, albeit for just a couple of hours.I feel an eerie kind of peace really.

3 hrs of doing nothing on a flight afforded me time to think of so many things which I either keep pushing to the back of my mind or avoid confronting. Potpourri of thoughts, potpourri of feelings,marveling at so many things, grateful for the life I have. I feel free just now!!! I'm in Coimbatore now.I know NOONE here. That feels like bliss too:)

I AM travelling with a runner buddy I don't really know very well.We have only so far exchanged greetings and mere pleasantries when we have met at races. But yes, we will be sharing room in Kotagiri.. where we are headed. We are not seated together on this flight:) 

Rama and me with Shanti and the cutest pups:)

Yummilicious fish and stuff thanks to Shanti!

6^th May ,2018 9p.m

Now on the flight back to where duty calls---- already!!Hurricane visit.. by choice and so worth it.

Rama and I shared some anecdotes of our live's journeys..me- mostly about my son, she- about her mom with whom she stays. I could just feel the very special bond she shares with her mom as she spoke of her. Then of course we had our four legged pals to talk about. It was also good listening about Rama's experiences over the years as she has travelled over the world for work and pleasure, being the super accomplished independent woman that she is.

We travelled and stayed together, yet managed our 'me' times.. no pressure, no expectations from each other. Fun it was. 

Kotagiri is such a quaint and nice hill station. I was blown over by the small homestay we put up in, in the middle of lush green tea gardens. There is something so special, when the people serving you are not really professional (read mechanically doing their duties, albeit perfectly) but serve you with a smile. 

The cook lady, Shanti, and her family looked after us. We lapped up on local cuisine, home cooked style. Her husband cleaned and was responsible for the upkeep of the place.Her 11 year old was one of the sweetest kids I've ever met. Guiding me as I walked through the tea garden,lending his parents a hand as they went about their chores through the day since it was weekend and he didn't have school.

The family was very enterprising. I saw Shanti's husband walking a dapper looking German Shepherd this morning. I figured it was the cottage owner's dog, but on inquiring found out it was very much theirs. They had bought the dog with the plan to breed pups and sell them. We got to see four of them cute little pups too. It was plain to see that the parents were leaving no stones unturned to try and give their children a better life. The father couldn't communicate with us because he only spoke Tamil but Shanti was savvier, having worked at someone's place in Bangalore earlier. She could speak Hindi and some English too.

Anyhow, in the middle of all the work, they had also plucked 5 huge bags of tea leaves which I saw them handing over to a van that seemed to be collecting sacks of tea leaves from around the town to transfer to the factory. Shanti's daughter is studying to be a nurse and her son Nitesh goes to a good local school and aspires to be an artist. How sweet is that! I hope Shanti and her husband's dreams for their children come true and I hope all their hard work pays off. I'm putting this on paper so I remember them forever:) 

Samrakshita Homestay,Kotagiri!

One picture with some local runners and a bunch of  Delhi based runners from Ethiopia!

So, the plan was also to run a half marathon in Kotagiri, the first edition of a race being organised by local people with the theme of 'save the hills'. It was a no frill race, none of the glamour of the more popular races, even the course was 3k short of the half marathon distance.But I couldn't care less and had such a good time running those 18.5 odd kilometres there. Running with no goals and times in mind, soaking in the clean air and the beautiful route, running alone, managing to follow nothing but the rhythm of my footsteps for those 2 hours or so... doing the one thing I wholeheartedly enjoy. 

Packed two days, with a chunk of time spent in the travel itself, but so so worth it.

Well,I ought to be taking more such trips definitely. Time be flying and I got to be doing more and more and more of what makes me feel like I did on this ultra short trip... free and happy!!

For now, it's time to get home, hug the boy, tell him I love him and then get on with the 'business' of living:)))

Amor fati:))

Feelings much!

Me and my son leave for Netherlands tonight . I am going to run the Rotterdam Marathon come Sunday. The idea was to do a double whammy -attempt a BQ( Boston Qualification,for my non runner friends)  and bond with the all grown kiddo over a short holiday. We haven’t travelled abroad ,just the two of us, for quite a while . Also he just stepped into the toughest school years…having graduated to 10^th grade this year. I don’t know how many longish holidays he’ll be able to take in the near future.So, I figured this would do us good.

So , am I excited? Yes and no. I was having major race jitters till yesterday. I have trained hard,put in the work required and followed the training plan to the T.

I felt pretty charged during the training frankly. Waking up early every morning , knowing I HAVE to do what I have to…run long,run hard,prioritise the rest of the things that needed done during the rest of the day….!Now that the training is over,I suddenly feel a little lost and today the graph is flat where my excitement level for the race goes. Yes, I am still excited for the travel with my boy. I hope to go all out for him and  have a great time with him.

I just hope  I am more pepped at the start line of the race. I have just got super emotional today. I can’t believe I am running so much now that I actually was driven enough to think about a Boston Qualification and all that jazz. I cannot afford these fancy "runcations" surely. The money spent for this could have been put into  far better use definitely.Several times during my training,these thoughts have crossed my mind. Why do I need to do this? What IS the big deal? What do I have to prove to myself or to the world? Well, to the world -nothing! But somehow,there is always that part of me which doesn’t try hard enough for anything for myself.And somehow I am very very scared to look at the mirror and see a loser. I am actually not too sure if I like the super strong me or the super emotional me. Somehow, I am compelled to believe that you gotta keep your emotions at bay if you want to get really strong. I don’t take the best decisions when I’m “feeling” a lot, but I don’t end up very happy when I am that super strong,'I don’t give a damn', gregariously laughing me either.

I wonder if I am anything without my feelings. I care. I care a lot about sooooo many things.Its my kinda thing. But I want to not care too much. Well,I won’t make much sense.You can skip reading this now and here. I am rambling and well it will sound like a ramble.

Well meaning friends are calling up to wish me luck and I am ever grateful for their good wishes. I just want that race excitement back now.

I read this the other day on one motivational speaker’s Instagram post and got super motivated .It went " You are not responsible for where on the target your arrow hits. You are only responsible for your shot.For how many times you practiced the same thing over and over to prepare yourself. For how you controlled your breathing.For whether you cleared your mind and whether you pulled all the way through the release. A bull’s eye isn’t success. Success is putting yourself in a position where bullseyes are the most likely outcome. Own the process, and let the results take care of themselves.”

Well ,isn’t that highly motivating? I said to myself when I read this  “hell yes-I have worked hard for this-I am going to run the race of my life this weekend and make me proud” . I felt really strong and good.

And then today, there was this mother  who came with her really frail looking 7 year old daughter for a tooth extraction.She wanted me to write in the daughter’s prescription that the girl really needed to be in the hospital and wasn’t fibbing to the teachers just to bunk school. She had got admission in one of the better private schools through the economically weaker section quota and  the parents and kid were both as flustered with all the educated and well to do folks they have to encounter now as they were with the fact that this may now lead to some change of fortune for the child. They were as excited as they were scared. The child was the epitome of good manners, one who could melt your heart with a mere please. And I suddenly felt so embarrassed of all my privileges and all my worthless lamentations.

Here I am ,excited about a race and a holiday. What is success? Bullseye is also so relative . So much inequality. Dinner on their plate tonight is bullseye for someone and I am equating mine with a Boston qualification for now. Hallelujah!!! I amuse myself ,I let myself down, I trip on my emotions,I choke while typing random things.I am not too sure what I want from this life. I am not too sure if I am doing the right things in life. Well ,but life goes on .And before you really get a hang of it-its over!!!

I will board that flight tonight with a mixed bag of emotions. I hope I ace my race. I hope I don’t sound like I am cooking up excuses for a poor race performance already. I feel as confident as I possibly can about my race,I promise.

I will let you know how the race went and more importantly if I could ensure my son had a good time. Sayonara for now!😊