Me and my
son leave for Netherlands tonight . I am going to run the Rotterdam Marathon
come Sunday. The idea was to do a double whammy -attempt a BQ( Boston
Qualification,for my non runner friends) and bond with the all grown kiddo over a short
holiday. We haven’t travelled abroad ,just the two of us, for quite a while .
Also he just stepped into the toughest school years…having graduated to 10th
grade this year. I don’t know how many longish holidays he’ll be able to take
in the near future.So, I figured this would do us good.
So , am I
excited? Yes and no. I was having major race jitters till yesterday. I have
trained hard,put in the work required and followed the training plan to the T.
I felt pretty
charged during the training frankly. Waking up early every morning , knowing I
HAVE to do what I have to…run long,run hard,prioritise the rest of the things that needed done during the rest of the day….!Now that the training
is over,I suddenly feel a little lost and today the graph is flat where my
excitement level for the race goes. Yes, I am still excited for the travel with
my boy. I hope to go all out for him and
have a great time with him.
I just
hope I am more pepped at the start line
of the race. I have just got super emotional today. I can’t believe I am running
so much now that I actually was driven enough to think about a Boston
Qualification and all that jazz. I cannot afford these fancy "runcations" surely.
The money spent for this could have been put into far better use
definitely.Several times during my training,these thoughts have crossed my
mind. Why do I need to do this? What IS the big deal? What do I have to prove
to myself or to the world? Well, to the world -nothing! But somehow,there is
always that part of me which doesn’t try hard enough for anything for
myself.And somehow I am very very scared to look at the mirror and see a loser.
I am actually not too sure if I like the super strong me or the super emotional
me. Somehow, I am compelled to believe that you gotta keep your emotions at bay
if you want to get really strong. I don’t take the best decisions when I’m
“feeling” a lot, but I don’t end up very happy when I am that super strong,'I
don’t give a damn', gregariously laughing me either.
I wonder if
I am anything without my feelings. I care. I care a lot about sooooo many
things.Its my kinda thing. But I want to not care too much. Well,I won’t make
much sense.You can skip reading this now and here. I am rambling and well it
will sound like a ramble.
Well meaning
friends are calling up to wish me luck and I am ever grateful for their good
wishes. I just want that race excitement back now.
I read this
the other day on one motivational speaker’s Instagram post and got super
motivated .It went " You are not responsible for where on the target your arrow
hits. You are only responsible for your shot.For how many times you practiced
the same thing over and over to prepare yourself. For how you controlled your
breathing.For whether you cleared your mind and whether you pulled all the way
through the release. A bull’s eye isn’t success. Success is putting yourself in
a position where bullseyes are the most likely outcome. Own the process, and
let the results take care of themselves.”
Well ,isn’t
that highly motivating? I said to myself when I read this “hell yes-I have worked hard for this-I am
going to run the race of my life this weekend and make me proud” . I felt
really strong and good.
And then
today, there was this mother who came
with her really frail looking 7 year old daughter for a tooth extraction.She
wanted me to write in the daughter’s prescription that the girl really needed
to be in the hospital and wasn’t fibbing to the teachers just to bunk school.
She had got admission in one of the better private schools through the
economically weaker section quota and the
parents and kid were both as flustered with all the educated and well to do folks
they have to encounter now as they were with the fact that this may now lead to
some change of fortune for the child. They were as excited as they were scared.
The child was the epitome of good manners, one who could melt your heart with a
mere please. And I suddenly felt so embarrassed of all my privileges and all my
worthless lamentations.
Here I am ,excited
about a race and a holiday. What is success? Bullseye is also so relative . So
much inequality. Dinner on their plate tonight is bullseye for someone and I am
equating mine with a Boston qualification for now. Hallelujah!!! I amuse myself
,I let myself down, I trip on my emotions,I choke while typing random things.I
am not too sure what I want from this life. I am not too sure if I am doing the
right things in life. Well ,but life goes on .And before you really get a hang
of it-its over!!!
I will board
that flight tonight with a mixed bag of emotions. I hope I ace my race. I hope
I don’t sound like I am cooking up excuses for a poor race performance already.
I feel as confident as I possibly can about my race,I promise.
I will let
you know how the race went and more importantly if I could ensure my son had a
good time. Sayonara for now!😊
