Half a century!

 

 

50 years in this world. Phew!

I don’t feel any different than yesterday obviously. But, completing 50 rounds around the Sun feels kind of epic.

It’s been quite the journey.

I have very vivid memories of certain periods of my life. And then I have rather faded memories of certain other times. As I write here, I realize that I have deliberately pushed away some memories probably.

In 50 years, I have seen life as it is and experienced the good, the bad and the ugly .

I couldn’t have seen it all yet but given a chance to sign up for things myself, I would certainly give a miss to some experiences.

All said and done, it’s been a blessed life so far.

I don’t have to struggle for an existence. I have enough to live a comfortable life.

I have family and friends who care for me.

I have people I love and people who love me back.

I have felt happy, sad, devastated, strong  and weak. I have been good, bad, kind, mean and many things more.

I have fallen in and out of love.

I have had my heart broken and I have mended it to be stronger.

I know  for sure there is no such thing as forever.

I have learnt to keep expectations from other humans to the bare minimum.

I have learnt to live in the moment/day and not obsess about the future.

I have managed to remain  healthy and fit thus far.

I have seen pain, misery ,cruelty beyond belief and felt extremely sad and helpless for being unable to help ,for being nothing but  a helpless bystander.

I have tried to play fair  and realized that life is much simpler that way…be it in your personal or professional life.

I have learnt that  dogs really are (wo)man’s best friends.

 I have learnt that nothing holds more true than the saying that  “to be a mother is to watch your heart walk around outside of your body”. And  that motherhood really  is a choice you make everyday, over and above anything else in life. Ishaan left for college only last month and I am still struggling to accept the empty nest.

 I have fewer and fewer material needs than ever before.

I have learnt and taught myself to be less of a people pleaser and only do things that my own heart agrees with . I have learnt that saying no and setting your boundaries are pivotal to a peaceful life.

Now, I  find it easier to forgive and  tougher to hold on to grudges.

I feel too old to endure unnecessary drama and just like it all to be simple and uncomplicated.

Also amazingly, I have learnt to enjoy my own company. I guess, at 50,I have learnt to be truer to myself.

 As I am trying to put my 50 into perspective, I look back and think I was fortunate to be born in the predigital age (analogue age it is called, I understand). Education was simpler. Teenage years were kind of boring. So, a lot of time went into thinking and dreaming and that in turn gave us the courage to generate our own opinions without consulting Google.

And then, there was no teenage route to oblivion!!!!Not for me at least.

 The external pressures faced by today’s generation 24/7 seem so tough, that I feel we had it way easier.

 All in all, I am glad to be 50 and to have lived through the times that have made me what I am today.

Regret is something I have learnt to push to an obsolete corner of my brain, in any case.

I am happy to be old enough to remember the simpler(pre digital) life and yet young enough to embrace the opportunities that digital has brought along.

I am glad to be old enough to know when things are worth bothering about and when they aren’t.

 Henceforth, like for quite a while now, I will dive deeper into things only if both my heart and head signal me there. And even so, I will hopefully make sure not to be sucked in too far.

 I hope to help whoever can genuinely benefit by anything I do. I hope to be able to hold my son’s hand yet and help him to retain perspective in this increasingly superficial world. I realize that the superficiality, the egocentricity ,the vanity all around  is only set to get worse. I hope I can help him somehow to keep it real and help him to view life through his own eyes rather than the digital filters.

 I hope to more clearly identify my happiness triggers (coffee? beer? hugs? running? time outdoors? acts of kindness? dogs?) and indulge more  in them without feeling guilty. I hope not to practice emotional avoidance under the veil of positive mindset. I hope to be as low maintenance as possible for my people.

 I don’t like to make a big deal about my birthdays but 50, like I said, feels kinda epic.

50 is not the new 40 for me, 50 is not when I will say things like my life has only just begun.

This is life, I am 50 and it is what it is.

I know I will still mope, need time outs, be weak, be strong, lose my mind and yell, be super nice.....! I know  I will feel everything at once on some days and nothing at all on other days. I know I am likely to be in some bad spaces and in some amazing ones as well. I know there will still be times when I will know exactly what I want and then times when I will have legit no clue what I want. I know I will be sure and then I will be confused too. I know my life isn't going to roll out like a movie .

 So, nothing much has changed then? I went and looked in the mirror just now to see if I have wrinkles on my face . I couldn’t see any. What other changes am I to expect?

 

Dammmmmmnnnnnn….50 though!!!!

 

 

P.S- I have  just penned down my thoughts randomly and I am not going to scroll up to edit anything.