Half a century!

 

 

50 years in this world. Phew!

I don’t feel any different than yesterday obviously. But, completing 50 rounds around the Sun feels kind of epic.

It’s been quite the journey.

I have very vivid memories of certain periods of my life. And then I have rather faded memories of certain other times. As I write here, I realize that I have deliberately pushed away some memories probably.

In 50 years, I have seen life as it is and experienced the good, the bad and the ugly .

I couldn’t have seen it all yet but given a chance to sign up for things myself, I would certainly give a miss to some experiences.

All said and done, it’s been a blessed life so far.

I don’t have to struggle for an existence. I have enough to live a comfortable life.

I have family and friends who care for me.

I have people I love and people who love me back.

I have felt happy, sad, devastated, strong  and weak. I have been good, bad, kind, mean and many things more.

I have fallen in and out of love.

I have had my heart broken and I have mended it to be stronger.

I know  for sure there is no such thing as forever.

I have learnt to keep expectations from other humans to the bare minimum.

I have learnt to live in the moment/day and not obsess about the future.

I have managed to remain  healthy and fit thus far.

I have seen pain, misery ,cruelty beyond belief and felt extremely sad and helpless for being unable to help ,for being nothing but  a helpless bystander.

I have tried to play fair  and realized that life is much simpler that way…be it in your personal or professional life.

I have learnt that  dogs really are (wo)man’s best friends.

 I have learnt that nothing holds more true than the saying that  “to be a mother is to watch your heart walk around outside of your body”. And  that motherhood really  is a choice you make everyday, over and above anything else in life. Ishaan left for college only last month and I am still struggling to accept the empty nest.

 I have fewer and fewer material needs than ever before.

I have learnt and taught myself to be less of a people pleaser and only do things that my own heart agrees with . I have learnt that saying no and setting your boundaries are pivotal to a peaceful life.

Now, I  find it easier to forgive and  tougher to hold on to grudges.

I feel too old to endure unnecessary drama and just like it all to be simple and uncomplicated.

Also amazingly, I have learnt to enjoy my own company. I guess, at 50,I have learnt to be truer to myself.

 As I am trying to put my 50 into perspective, I look back and think I was fortunate to be born in the predigital age (analogue age it is called, I understand). Education was simpler. Teenage years were kind of boring. So, a lot of time went into thinking and dreaming and that in turn gave us the courage to generate our own opinions without consulting Google.

And then, there was no teenage route to oblivion!!!!Not for me at least.

 The external pressures faced by today’s generation 24/7 seem so tough, that I feel we had it way easier.

 All in all, I am glad to be 50 and to have lived through the times that have made me what I am today.

Regret is something I have learnt to push to an obsolete corner of my brain, in any case.

I am happy to be old enough to remember the simpler(pre digital) life and yet young enough to embrace the opportunities that digital has brought along.

I am glad to be old enough to know when things are worth bothering about and when they aren’t.

 Henceforth, like for quite a while now, I will dive deeper into things only if both my heart and head signal me there. And even so, I will hopefully make sure not to be sucked in too far.

 I hope to help whoever can genuinely benefit by anything I do. I hope to be able to hold my son’s hand yet and help him to retain perspective in this increasingly superficial world. I realize that the superficiality, the egocentricity ,the vanity all around  is only set to get worse. I hope I can help him somehow to keep it real and help him to view life through his own eyes rather than the digital filters.

 I hope to more clearly identify my happiness triggers (coffee? beer? hugs? running? time outdoors? acts of kindness? dogs?) and indulge more  in them without feeling guilty. I hope not to practice emotional avoidance under the veil of positive mindset. I hope to be as low maintenance as possible for my people.

 I don’t like to make a big deal about my birthdays but 50, like I said, feels kinda epic.

50 is not the new 40 for me, 50 is not when I will say things like my life has only just begun.

This is life, I am 50 and it is what it is.

I know I will still mope, need time outs, be weak, be strong, lose my mind and yell, be super nice.....! I know  I will feel everything at once on some days and nothing at all on other days. I know I am likely to be in some bad spaces and in some amazing ones as well. I know there will still be times when I will know exactly what I want and then times when I will have legit no clue what I want. I know I will be sure and then I will be confused too. I know my life isn't going to roll out like a movie .

 So, nothing much has changed then? I went and looked in the mirror just now to see if I have wrinkles on my face . I couldn’t see any. What other changes am I to expect?

 

Dammmmmmnnnnnn….50 though!!!!

 

 

P.S- I have  just penned down my thoughts randomly and I am not going to scroll up to edit anything. 

 

 

 

 

Happy Birthday

My joys of running!!

Life is richer by your experiences ,your learnings and by the love you give and receive.

Running has changed my life for the better, for all the cliched reasons and more. .

For instance….

The other day,one running buddy called to say her friend wanted to do something special for HER friend’s 40^th birthday. She wanted to do something special for runners specifically because the birthday girl in question loves running. My buddy wanted to know if I would speak to her friend and help connect her to runners who were possibly not as privileged as us and would benefit by this gesture. I wasn’t too sure how I would be able to help .But well, I did end up talking to her friend.

I figured that because of the DRG shoe drive that I have been handling and the social media posts I make to that end ,these wonderful women thought I could possibly guide them somehow .Anyways, thanks to this very shoe drive,I do end up meeting many such underprivileged runners. They come home and collect runable shoes and gear donated by other runners. I get to meet some of them and many I don’t. But I am always showered with love, gratitude messages and happy runner pictures. I accept it all happily and humbly on behalf of all the runners who donate the stuff.

One runner ,Alok, has come to my place a couple of times and collected shoes for some young runners who train at the Ramjas Sports and Mountaineering Institute in Patel Nagar. Along with Amit, who coaches these runners ,Alok makes the effort to support these runners however he can. Everyone has only 24 hours in a day and everyone has personal and professional and social commitments. The ones who still make time to go beyond have my respect always! So all kudos to Alok!

Alok and these runners (whose pictures he would send me every time he took shoes and stuff for them from the DRG box) were the first people that came to my mind to help make this 40^th birthday special.

I connected Alok to the birthday girl’s friend and she bought them 15 pairs of running shoes and winter running tees from Decathlon. All she wanted in return was some birthday messages from these kids for her friend. She planned to make a collage and a picture story for her friend.How cool is that!

And me, I was plain lucky to find myself  in the middle of all this awesomeness. Alok messaged to say it would be great if I could meet these runners and give away the shoes to them myself.That invitation was pretty difficult to resist ,because I didn’t want the awesomeness to be over yet.

So there I was at the Ramjas field one Thursday afternoon giving away the shoes to some happy runners.

They had ALL written out individual birthday notes for the birthday girl,mentioning their running achievements and goals.( Each one wants to run for India in the Olympics mind you. And each one probably believes dreams do come true!!) I was bowled over meeting the kids. They had a birthday cake ready too .

They sent video and picture messages for the birthday girl with me. I found many of them wearing the shoes taken from the DRG box and it warmed my heart that the shoes were being put to good use. 

Most of the runners training there are short distance runners training to clear the tests and get into the police or the Army. Most of them play at inter college and inter school level competitions.

Well, back to the anonymous good folks that spread the joy. Pictures and messages sent on Whatsapp. The physical notes collected from my place by her driver.

I am not one to go overboard or feel too excited about birthday celebrations. The idea is to celebrate LIFE..every single day ,right?

But THIS….I would like to think twice now about celebrating birthdays.

It was the lucky girl’s birthday yesterday. I hope her friend’s efforts paid off and brought her joy on her 40^th.

I share this story with you all with  permission from the lady I was talking to. She just didn’t want herself or her friend’s names to be mentioned.

BTW,I don’t know this lady personally. I have never met her. We are not even friends on FB!!

I had never met Alok before the other day OR any of these runners.

All this worked purely on trust.

I get asked sometimes how I ensure that the donated shoes reach the right people.

Well, love and trust make my world go round.

That axis on which the earth rotates is imaginary anyway!!!!

Jai Surkhunda Mata Ki!

While we were spending four blissful days in the hills of Uttarakhand last week, one thing on our itinerary was to hike up to the Surkhunda Devi Temple. We were told by the lady at the resort we were staying in,that there were two ways leading up to the temple. One was the cemented path ,leading up to it and the other was a beautiful trail. Obviously, we intended to follow the latter route.

Now, I am not a religious person. I love reading the Hindu mythology though .I have fond memories of how I used to read out all the stories from Hindu mythology to my son when he was 6-7 years old as bedtime stories and otherwise, dramatizing on everything. He would listen wonder eyed. There were superheroes galore in all the stories after all. Another matter now that The Avengers, Justice League and likes have taken over and are saving the world.

Here’s the legend about Surkhunda Devi!

My friend Kalpana, with whom I was holidaying is not an overtly religious person either but yes, prays to a God now and then. I don’t!

Anyhow, our main agenda to go to Surkhunda Devi, like everything else during the trip was to enjoy the views and take in the lovely weather in the hills.

We set out the second day for Surkhunda Devi. The base to the trail was just 4kms from our resort. We walked till there, talking to the locals, taking in the views and generally having a good time.

The entrance to the trail we could not complete!

Just as we marveled at how pretty the trail looked from there itself and started hiking up…..passersby in a car (on the road below) honked incessantly to get our attention. When we looked down, there was a family in the car, likely tourists as us. The gentleman at the driver’s seat told us they had a very bad experience on the trail the previous day and that we should not go up that way. The lady sitting behind, told us in so many words “please go back”.

Ouch! What a dampener! We contemplated whether we should pay heed to their warning or just go ahead. It was just a 45min-1hr hike up we were told, after all. The hills seemed safe; the locals seemed harmless. There was no one else on the trail. But then it was complete off season and the rains had made the trail slippery and mucky. We climbed up a couple of meters more and decided not to go further and play it safe.

Even the retreat was pretty-no regrets!

On way back to the resort, we asked the local shopkeepers if they had heard of any untoward incident happening on the trail the previous day. They vehemently disagreed that there could be anything to feel unsafe about on the trail. In fact, they were offended at the very suggestion.

 Back at the resort, we repeated our story to the lady there and she jokingly announced,” you see, like they say, abhi aapko Mata ka bulawa nahi aaya hain”(Your calling is not here yet!)

And that’s when our fun started. Kalpana and I decided Surkhunda Devi had to be said hello to, come what may. We kept joking about manipulating that calling and blah blah.

Anyhow, the day we were leaving , we went up to the temple via the cemented route. It was a short, yet tough climb up. No views to be seen, because it was a very misty morning. And we were in a rush. We had to check out soon and return to Delhi.

Kalpana trotting up:)

Hello Mata Surkhunda😊 Humara bulawa aa gaya. Our calling is here!!

Hello Mata!

The mystery of what happened there the day we had to retreat remains. We figured, one of them might have taken a fall on the slippery trail or something. But when someone says 'bad experience', a lot of things come to mind. So, well! We chickened out that day.

It was Kalpana’s younger son’s Birthday and as she bowed before the deity, she told me she was glad she came to the temple  on Robin’s birthday. I am not sure if it was the religious her or just mommy her saying that,but it was rather sweet😊

Local legend has it that whatever wish you make there comes true. I had one wish -peace for all! So, I bowed too…and followed the works. Tika! Halwa! Daan! Who knows magic might happen?

“…there is no valid difference between religion and magic,no matter how many books are written to support the distinction…magic is religion we don’t believe in ,and religion is magic we believe in”-Ernest Becker

The Den!

I am constantly looking for love , goodness and innocent simplicity around me. I need to do it to find meaning in this rushed and crazy existence, to believe in the innate goodness of mankind. I want to look in my immediate neighbourhood and find things that make me happy…that very moment!!!

The responsibilities I have in life towards my child and family aside , I don’t dwell much upon my future and likes. I just want to live in the moment. Que sera sera. Who knows if tomorrow comes?

Recently,on a dusty dirty morning I went for my Sunday run with a pal. The run didn’t do me much good which is a bummer .I run with my heart 90% times and the least I expect my running to do to me is pep me up !!

Anyways,I can’t have things my way all the time .All days are not same.

Later, I was out meeting a friend and as we were driving across a street in the neighbourhood, we saw this bunch of kids climbing a tree by the roadside in this scorching heat . We stopped to chit chat with them . There were 10-12 of them,the oldest one being 10 years old. As we chatted up we found out they were making a den (adda) for themselves there.

Not just that, there were two little master chefs amongst them too. I can’t really describe the minimum ware those two kids were getting their veggies and pooris ready in.They were planning to enjoy their meal  sitting in their den.My eyes nearly popped out at their expertise.

The quantity of food being prepared seemed less considering the number of kids hanging around . On being asked, one of the older ones told me whoever contributed for the food being prepared would only get to eat. Simple!! No Gandhian philosophies involved!!!!

Thereafter, they proceeded to show us who had contributed in what manner.Cooking oil,flour,salt,mango(yeah,they were making some chutney kind of thing to eat with the pooris).

The food was being cooked in a stove made of two cement tiles and the cooking gas was paper and twigs and pieces of wood picked from the roadside! Those kids had already learnt well about Darwin’s theory.

Maybe you can appreciate better from the pictures what I am trying to describe.

We marveled watching them for quite a while before going and fetching them some laddoos as  dessert after their meal.

Those kids!Just amazing!I hope the world lets them sustain their innocence and enthusiasm for a long long time!!

Yes,let it go!

I am sitting in a mall, away from my city, watching all kinds of people pass me by. Busy people, people whiling their time(like me),fat people, thin people, people in love, kids happy for no particular reason…..! The united colors of humanity!!!The works!

Killing time waiting to meet a friend , I feel I see my own life in flashback as I sit here. I thought one needs to be out in the open, in the hills and mountains, closer to nature ,to put things in perspective, to  think and dwell upon one’s innermost thoughts. But here I am, in a place as populated  as can be, and well, I am thinking clearly. No clouds in the head.

I am thinking, I have been ALL these people in various times of my life. I have been better than them,I have been worse than them,I have been JUST like them. How are these people passing me by,strangers then?

A few moments ago,I was feeling happy I’m  anonymous here ….nobody knows me. But,don’t they really? We are just not talking and greeting each other I guess but what is it that we don't know about each other. Do those things matter really?

Even as I have blundered ,loved,hated, cried and laughed through this existence,right now,at this very moment…I just feel calm,like I am in a really peaceful space.The lull before the storm-lol! 

I hope not!

I have made right and wrong choices in my life,which again, I consider wrong OR right only when I think in retrospective. I have done some good and some bad.I have felt disgusted with myself so many times. And I have given me the pat in my back for being a good woman too,many times.

That makes me a balanced person I guess.

No way!!!

I am as crazy as they come. I am not sure how I will react to the next nagging telemarketer's call, I am not sure if I’ll be able to resist that surge of love for my next poor patient  and not feel bad about my own privileges, I am not sure if I will not lose my cool yet again trying to get my message across to my old nursing orderly at work, I am not sure I will not AGAIN emotionally blackmail my boy to listen to me, I am not at all sure about any of this and so many more things😊

How bad is it not to be overtly ambitious about the future and just live and love in the present? How good is it? Is it too ordinary not to try and find any meaning in life ? What if I say “ My intentions are pure, my conscience is clear, I have no desire of being a shitty person” End of goal…ta-da!!!!

I attended the funeral of a dear old man the other day.He lived to be 85 years old. He was the literal “jolly old fellow”  and I can only remember him with a smile on my face. I didn’t know much of his personal life, his life’s struggles; he didn’t make or break anything in my life. But as I type this and think of him,I am smiling  and remembering the glow of warmth and love that radiated from him whenever I  met him.

I would say, if I could leave one person feeling that way about me when I am dead and gone,I’m good!

Time to go ..my buddy’s here. Also ,all these people around me can see right through me( and now YOU don’t tell me you don’t know me either…I surely know YOU!!!) –time to hibernate.

Just thinking aloud!!!!!

Ciao!

Lost..20th Aug

I hated walking into my place of work today. I hated jostling my way through the sea of patients to reach my room. I hated the thought that I was surrounded only by people burdened with woes -physical,mental,financial-you name it. This is routine for me. I should be used to it you would think. But naah! Not that simple.On days when I don’t wake up chirpy and am desperate for some positivity,for someone or something to make you feel better and all I get is to see suffering and penury around me-it sucks! And it sucks big time I tell you!

Most of the days I feel extremely grateful for the life I have compared to the dime a dozen poor patients I have to meet and see and attend to every day. I always tell myself these people help me stay grounded .This is life -raw and real. The one I’m living in and  bringing my son up in is luxury. I have to deal with all kinds of people afterall- people walking in tatters, junkies(stoned to bear the misery called life) ,really filthy(hygiene wise) folks ,people trying hard to overcome the hurdles and get forward in life-all kinds! I am a dentist,not a psychiatrist I know. Yet,when you deal with a lot of uneducated  and really poor people you will realise like I do now-they don’t come with just a tooth woe -they come with their entire baggage. Their baggage is part of them-they cannot park it in any sheltered cocoons,so they carry them along—wherever they go! That’s how,me the mere dentist gets a glimpse of their miseries and sufferings ever so often.

Anyways,why I am rambling today is because I really donot want to encounter any of this today. I just want rainbows and pretty flowers ,happy faces and sunshine today.I want a magic wand to be happy and to not  feel the way I do just now. But I don’t have an alternate place of work to go to unfortunately!And life doesn’t work according to my whims and fancies. So I ramble on  every now and then. Sometimes these ramblings make me feel better,sometimes I cry as I write,sometimes I end up more angry, sometimes more sad and life goes on. The sun sets like always and the day gets over. Sometimes I win,sometimes the devil in me wins . It’s a neverending hustle…trying to be happy and  content.

Sometimes I’m not even sure if happiness is what I’m chasing. I am just hitting a big time low today…down down down. I am trying to will myself to do the things I know I should do..but I am losing with the devil in my head by tooooo big a margin. I just want to give up and let her do whatever the fuck she wants to do. Nothing is enough anyways!!!

So many responsibilities to fulfil,so many mundane tasks to finish,so many things to keep me busy in vain.

I want to go away… somewhere far far away from everyone and everything that constitutes my life. Just breathe in some fresh air and cry and laugh when and how I want to ,not be politically correct,not restrain myself from doing anything at all. Or maybe just die and put a full stop to all the craziness in my head. I am tired of it all. I just want out of all the pain and nonsense!

In the meantime-I have to live some more it seems—however!!!!

;

Sunday morning is the long workout day. I haven’t been feeling upto it for sometime now. It’s been too muddled up in the head recently. Anyways, I’m nursing kind of a lover’s tiff with running , but it is pertinent to move myself for more reasons than one at the moment. So yesterday, to make my Sunday morning feel more normal,I decided to cycle.

 I kept cycling loops around two main roads near where I stay in South Delhi for 4 odd hours. Its funny how even when you are moving physically in one direction,your brain can still go another way.I was cycling but in my head,I had so many things flashing by.

By the time I had finished my first loop,I saw this guy on the road, an “apparent mad man”.He sent my mind on an overdrive. Well, we see these mad people on the roads…some of them even stark naked but surviving the streets of Delhi and still living on. No authorities will take them away or put them in  an asylum. Their plight seems worse than the stray dogs. Yesterday on my ride,I also saw a MCD van full of stray dogs---probably being taken to be spayed/neutered. Hence the comparision came up as I type this.

 This mad man I saw was wearing a pair of shabby torn trousers and nothing else and walking on the street( it appeared more like he was dragging himself)-at first I thought it was just another drunkard on the road. But it wasn’t so. He was either crazy ,as if he had lost his mind totally or was on the verge of it.He had a lot of bruises in his elbows and back ..the bruises were fresh and bleeding. Well I rode past him and didn’t think much.

But next loop he was there again,he had succeeded in moving about 200-400m forward in the 30 mins that I took to get back to that place. Now I wondered WHY he was moving so slow to go whereever he wanted to go because he seemed to be walking okay..no bones broken,no deformities. That’s when I realized he just didn’t believe he could walk. He was crazy or so he believed. I shook my head,felt pained to see the guy this time and went on. 

Next loop …he was sitting on the footpath…just where I had seen him earlier.Okay…stop going on a downward spiral seeing this guy’s misery,I told myself. 

Next loop— he was actually trying to drag himself forward on his elbows and back(that explained his bruises) .I don’t know why he was doing that because I knew and saw he COULD walk. I screamed at him and told him to get to one side unless he wanted to be run over by a speeding vehicle. Oh my God, I don’t know why , but seeing him like this made me angry with myself and life and everything else.

 My ride was all but totally ruined. But just then the  rains started-first drizzling then a heavy downpour….typical hour long Delhi showers. I cycled on and felt trifle better. The rain was so heavy that I was almost blinded by the water falling on my eyes. But I could carry on because it was a Sunday,there was hardly any traffic and all the two wheelers had come to a halt because of the rain. I did two more loops  before I returned home. The crazy fellow was on his elbows and back,looking skywards and blabbering and howling. He was complaining to the Rain Gods I suppose.

Naah, I wasn’t a good Samaritan. I didn’t stop to help him. I didn’t stop to ask him what was wrong. I was not in the frame of mind . On a good day,I would have probably stopped and handed him some money or fetched him some food at least….but not yesterday. I was low on empathy! I was riding to help me out of my own misery,not to help anyone else.

 But yes, I kept remembering the loony. 

This morning, I willed myself to run a 10k on the same loop and almost expected to see him there…but there was no sign of him. I made no mention of him to my friend., with whom I was running. But now I am thinking more clearly .

So it strikes me now how we tread on the thin line between sanity and insanity. How we busy ourselves, day in and day out with so many things -some important, some irrelevant,but mostly mundane stuff and don’t realise that we are all in danger of crossing the line. 

Actually I think many of us keep jumping over that line every now and then completely unaware of the same. Then we find our way back to the safe zone and hence don’t think much of it. All you need is for the darkness(read stress ,anger, depression ,sadness or any other intense negative emotion ) to overshadow the light and there you are ,on the wrong side of the fence.

 I find myself there often,I KNOW when I’m there and I keep willing myself back to where I think I belong-the safe sane zone!!I am nowhere as strong as I would like to be but there are times when I feel so overwhelmed that I feel I won’t be able to find my way back. I haven’t been able to clearly express these feelings to myself or anyone else till date. But this guy I encountered yesterday made me think hard….about so many things!  And for now,today,this rambling is helping. Thankfully,I am still managing to handle the two states of mind …but that poor fella had crossed the line and ventured to a point of no return I suppose.I have myself experienced intense light followed by blackest nights. But so far,there has always been light in the end. I need more of that light and I need to park myself in the light longer. I find my resources dwindling so many times and it scares me!

It’s all too tough!

"Tears are words that need to be written"

I lost a friend and colleague last evening. 

He and his family fought his Glioblastoma Multiforme(one of the fastest growing,most malignant brain tumors) the best they could in the last six months till his body could fight no more,the doctors could help no more,the prayers could help no more..because his time had come and no one could  change that.

He leaves behind his wife and two young teenaged children.

As long as he lived , he used to do everything possible to make them happy and be involved in every little thing in their lives. A totally hands on dad and husband he was. Six months back it would be difficult to fathom how that family could ever manage without Rohit. 

But since the time he was detected with the dreaded terminal disease ,I have seen his wife handle everything with so much courage and dignity and levelheadedness. Standing there at his funeral today, as he went up in flames,I just couldn’t help respecting the lady for the way she conducted herself through the tragedy . At all times, she was totally THERE for her children. Its true what they say about a person's true strength and character only showing in the face of adversities.

 She will grieve and cry a lot -she will need to.There were many of us friends and family today to take Rohit on his final journey and to support his wife and kids. But of course,grief is finally a walk alone. We can be there and listen.But ,she and her kids will walk alone down their own path of grief,at their own pace, with their raw wounds,their feelings of denial,anger and bitter loss. Hopefully,they will soon come to their own peace.But it’s a given they will have to do it on their own ,in their own time. May they find the strength to do so and to be each other’s strength.

Its fascinating how the wisest of us think we could help someone deal with a loss like this. But I guess,we are only human. We want to help,we want to be able to be of some service and help ease the pain and suffering we see in our fellow human beings.

Looking at her dead husband she said to me-I couldn’t even spend 20 years with him. That’s life-20 years too many for some, twenty years too little for others. Try how hard we may,we can’t be completely prepared for our tomorrows. Yet,like the Buddha says ,“The trouble is, you think you have time”. It really is pertinent that we live each day as if its our last.

Going to Rohit’s funeral ,watching his 15 year old son going through the rituals as advised,was heart breaking ,to say the least. 

But now as I sit and type this,I marvel at the strength of the boy to go through the entire rigmarole so calm and composed. He sat clenching his fists so hard as he sat next to his father at home-in denial,in anger.I couldn't imagine what went through his young mind-but it took me all my will not to go hug him and ask him to let go whatever he was holding back. But once at the cremation,he looked totally in control. Its all about resilience and the human spirit. The human spirit ,like someone said, is stronger than anything that can happen to it. Otherwise ,we would all die of heartbreak I suppose.

I knew Rohit for close to 12 years,we were working in the same hospital for 9 years or so. He moved to the colony I stay in,some years back and we were car pool partners too till I got transferred to another hospital. As is obvious,the 25km drive up and down 6 days a week made us share a lot of our experiences and life stories.He was a good man and a good friend.He was a sincere and dedicated surgeon. He was always so proud of his wife and children. He  was 48 years young.

 He must have had plans for himself and his family’s future like we all do.Of course he never anticipated this terrible turn of events.Yet, as he lay dead,he was the one who looked completely at peace-no more suffering ,no more worries,no more stress. So many of us grieving around him but he was oblivious to  it all and gone. He had reached his final destination.

Though they can never overcome the loss ,his family will reminisce the beautiful memories of the years spent with him , time will heal and life will go on. I hope Rohit left without many regrets. No one can ever do ALL the things they want to do in their lifetime,but keeping the conscience clear and to know in the end that you did the best you could helps,I am sure!

As Rohit left,I brought their little pup Joy to stay over at our place because there will be too much happening at Rohit’s. His wife wanted me to babysit on him till some normalcy can be restored in their household.I find myself telling the 4 month old pup to buck up because he has a lot of responsibility on his shoulders,to cheer up the aggrieved family,to shower more unadulterated love on them,to be their super anxiolytic drug! I know he will be able to help them destress more than anyone else.

The search for our  coping mechanisms and our dependence on them will never be over. That’s life! Death ,on the other hand, is simpler!

Peace!

“I am the one that’s got to die when it’s time for me to die. So let me live my life, the way I want to”-Jim Hendrix

Rohit: 17th April 1970-28th July 2018

Amor fati:))

With Nitesh and his pal !

5^th May 2018, 8.30 am

I'm about to be landing in a place I've never been to before. Travelling sans any expectations, going to run a HM in a new place, decision taken one fine day without much deliberation. I feel happy this morning.. just to be getting out of Delhi. I feel happy for the next 40 hours or so of.. well..I don't know:))

I feel happy to be sitting next to strangers and not having to talk to anyone on this 3 hrs flight.

I guess travelling makes me happy because it's not something I HAVE to do--I'm mostly travelling by choice:)

I smile thinking of my son telling me last night to let him know when I land. I kissed his forehead while he was sleeping before I left this morning. He is the reason, I do most of the things in life. And I know, even if I am not indispensable, he does need me in his own ways. And I do want to play fair and square with him and not shirk from my responsibilities towards him since I brought him into this world.

Yet, I just feel very happy to be getting away from my “regular” life, albeit for just a couple of hours.I feel an eerie kind of peace really.

3 hrs of doing nothing on a flight afforded me time to think of so many things which I either keep pushing to the back of my mind or avoid confronting. Potpourri of thoughts, potpourri of feelings,marveling at so many things, grateful for the life I have. I feel free just now!!! I'm in Coimbatore now.I know NOONE here. That feels like bliss too:)

I AM travelling with a runner buddy I don't really know very well.We have only so far exchanged greetings and mere pleasantries when we have met at races. But yes, we will be sharing room in Kotagiri.. where we are headed. We are not seated together on this flight:) 

Rama and me with Shanti and the cutest pups:)

Yummilicious fish and stuff thanks to Shanti!

6^th May ,2018 9p.m

Now on the flight back to where duty calls---- already!!Hurricane visit.. by choice and so worth it.

Rama and I shared some anecdotes of our live's journeys..me- mostly about my son, she- about her mom with whom she stays. I could just feel the very special bond she shares with her mom as she spoke of her. Then of course we had our four legged pals to talk about. It was also good listening about Rama's experiences over the years as she has travelled over the world for work and pleasure, being the super accomplished independent woman that she is.

We travelled and stayed together, yet managed our 'me' times.. no pressure, no expectations from each other. Fun it was. 

Kotagiri is such a quaint and nice hill station. I was blown over by the small homestay we put up in, in the middle of lush green tea gardens. There is something so special, when the people serving you are not really professional (read mechanically doing their duties, albeit perfectly) but serve you with a smile. 

The cook lady, Shanti, and her family looked after us. We lapped up on local cuisine, home cooked style. Her husband cleaned and was responsible for the upkeep of the place.Her 11 year old was one of the sweetest kids I've ever met. Guiding me as I walked through the tea garden,lending his parents a hand as they went about their chores through the day since it was weekend and he didn't have school.

The family was very enterprising. I saw Shanti's husband walking a dapper looking German Shepherd this morning. I figured it was the cottage owner's dog, but on inquiring found out it was very much theirs. They had bought the dog with the plan to breed pups and sell them. We got to see four of them cute little pups too. It was plain to see that the parents were leaving no stones unturned to try and give their children a better life. The father couldn't communicate with us because he only spoke Tamil but Shanti was savvier, having worked at someone's place in Bangalore earlier. She could speak Hindi and some English too.

Anyhow, in the middle of all the work, they had also plucked 5 huge bags of tea leaves which I saw them handing over to a van that seemed to be collecting sacks of tea leaves from around the town to transfer to the factory. Shanti's daughter is studying to be a nurse and her son Nitesh goes to a good local school and aspires to be an artist. How sweet is that! I hope Shanti and her husband's dreams for their children come true and I hope all their hard work pays off. I'm putting this on paper so I remember them forever:) 

Samrakshita Homestay,Kotagiri!

One picture with some local runners and a bunch of  Delhi based runners from Ethiopia!

So, the plan was also to run a half marathon in Kotagiri, the first edition of a race being organised by local people with the theme of 'save the hills'. It was a no frill race, none of the glamour of the more popular races, even the course was 3k short of the half marathon distance.But I couldn't care less and had such a good time running those 18.5 odd kilometres there. Running with no goals and times in mind, soaking in the clean air and the beautiful route, running alone, managing to follow nothing but the rhythm of my footsteps for those 2 hours or so... doing the one thing I wholeheartedly enjoy. 

Packed two days, with a chunk of time spent in the travel itself, but so so worth it.

Well,I ought to be taking more such trips definitely. Time be flying and I got to be doing more and more and more of what makes me feel like I did on this ultra short trip... free and happy!!

For now, it's time to get home, hug the boy, tell him I love him and then get on with the 'business' of living:)))

Amor fati:))