Quiet please?

This morning I woke up desperately wishing for some quiet in my life. I can’t turn a deaf ear on the noise around me obviously. Yet, even as I absorb that noise, I don’t want to reciprocate with equal force. I just want to take a deep breath and not let any of it affect me.

I like to believe I have always led my life from the heart and I don’t want to change much of that.The heart feels heavier in the process many times, but I don’t want to live and think too clinically.

My head makes me think through the pros and cons of things, makes me feel fear, makes me fear change and controls my life only because all my so called rational thinking comes from the head!

But somehow, I like the landscape of my heart better. It makes me feel for the stranger, makes me want to cry when I see cruelty, despair and sorrow, and makes me want to hug that old patient of mine who sheds a tear of joy just because I spoke to her kindly. It’s what makes me get those goose bumps ever so often.

I can’t deny that my head and the monkey residing within makes it difficult for me to hear my heart sometimes. When I am busy being busy, the head rules.

But, when I have the quiet I seek, I can hear the music in my heart better. I can feel more. Period.

On the face of it, making choices in life is probably the head’s prerogative. But all I want to do is, pause in my quiet space , be sure of my values and then just function around those values. 

A couple of years back; I lived a life where I said yes to everything. There was a lot of social stuff to do, a lot of chores to take care of and a generally crazy amount of things to do.

I realise that only recently have I learnt to say no to social invitations unless I am sure I am going to have a really good time or I believe that interaction is something I have been really looking forward to. I may have lost a few so called friends in the process,but learning to say no is a virtue I learnt trifle too late in life!

I was rushing through everything. I am trying to take things easier now. All that needs done, is still getting done. I am not shirking from my responsibilities. It’s just that I am following my heart more. I am doing things more my way than the way I am expected to do!

I probably socialise more online now instead of in person. Like everyone else, I have the need for social connection as well. At the same time, I also clearly see the sheer addictiveness of it all, to the point where there’s no quiet in life.  Detox time is so vital. I need to be spending more precious time only with me!

My wish is to just smile, breathe and go slowly , like the Zen masters say. I want to consciously stop myself from multitasking and do just one thing at a time. I don’t want to be superwoman. I want to put space between the different tasks in hand for me and do one thing at a time. Enough of this rushing through things. Where am I going anyway? I want to be mindful of the things that make me happy and just focus on them instead of making me busy with the mundane.

My head talks down to me , makes me scared, yaks away constantly till I want it to just shut up. What if I let it go yakety yak till it was tired of doing so? And then let the heart rule. I want to get out of situations that make me clench my fists and tighten my guts. I want to make my choices without being wishy washy about them. Maybe tomorrow I won’t like the results of the choices I made today. But I would still have the option of making a different choice then. I don’t want to procrastinate no more!

I know I cannot bid adieu to practicality forever and just keep following my heart.

Even so, I want my quiet; I want to let go of my unrealistic expectations; I want to take a deep breath and relax. Smile ,breathe and go slowly.

I don’t even want to worry about what you will think about what I am writing here, because that will muddle with what I feel like writing just now.

It’s amazing how jotting down my thoughts de-clutters my mind, by the way!

I've been feeling a dull ache in my heart for a couple of days now. I feel the ache diminishing even as I type here.

Some mornings, you wake up and despite all the self pep you can't will yourself outdoors for a run,so you convince  yourself you are under the weather and then well......

I guess, the head and the heart would have to strike a deal and live in tandem. Can’t do with or without either.

Why do I run?

“I run because it is therapeutic for me. Because every time I run outside, around my home, I am reminded of the beauty of the world, of which I often forget. Yet, at the same time, I am fully aware of beauty, it simply saddens me because of reasons I have not yet conjured up. I suppose I am sad. But at the same time, I am happy, and miserable, and joyful, and stressed out, and calm and everything in between.

I am everything. Every emotion rigged in every format, and developed through every machine. I am numb, but I am not.”

A kindred soul forwarded me an article some months back. I can’t even remember whose words these are. But this excerpt from that article is  on my desk and I read it every day. It never fails to strike a chord with me. How does one sum up in one sentence as to why one runs?

At least, I cannot do it! On days when I am feeling under the weather, facing extreme Monday morning blues and feeling very lonely, I can simply cry reading this. Like today! I hate myself for being such an emotional buffoon, I tell you! But trying to change myself has not gotten me too far. So I am kind of giving up on that.

Most of the times, I want to run all alone, whether I am happy or in despair, whether I want to boost my spirits or generally feel good at a particular time. Then I don’t care how fast or slow I am running. All that matters is that my feet are pounding the ground, my heart rate is accelerating, I am out of breath and am pushing my limits and the rest of the random thoughts are fading from my mind. I am meditating and running is definitely sacred. I have cried on a few of my solo runs, because of the relief I feel while running. The endorphins should make me high isn’t it? I tell myself often that it’s a little wonky to indulge is such solo runs too often.

So though I like me wonky, I try to go out and run with all the awesome runner buddies I have- every now and then. I feel all enthused meeting them. I seriously do. All the paraphernalia, the glamour, the competitive spirit and the never ending talks around running are quite amusing. I do feel like one of the herd, the pack, the family-if I may say so!

Then again, when I am alone, why do I feel like the black sheep of the running family .Well meaning people, who think more highly of me than I deserve, often ask me-“ What’s your next goal? Which is the next big race you are running?”

Damn, I don’t know! I need to set me some goals. I need to get real. I need to get out of my make believe world. It gets lonely out there many times.

But I want easy. No, no don’t ever think I shirk from hard work. I am a true blue worker bee. I am just wary of technique, and going into the science of running. Give me the philosophy of running any day, and I will buy it! 8 out of 10 days, the technique and science of running don’t catch my fancy. Of course there are those two days, when I do allow better sense to prevail. Why?

Because you see, I am yet to run a 100 kms at a stretch. I am yet to run a H.M I can boast of to my grandchildren ! I want to keep pushing me till the day I die.

But when I started running half marathons and longer distances, the distances that hurt and make you happy at the same time, they uncomplicated my mind and freed my spirit. Now sometimes, I can’t help but think that the entire business of running has got complicated. I just want to maintain the sanctity of my favourite feel good thing. I want it to remain my go to thing. I don’t want to stress over my runs and running goals. I want my running to keep de-stressing me. That’s all!

Do I make any sense at all?

I dunno.

I just ramble from my heart!!