Random and ordinary me!!!

Have you ever felt lost? And lonely? Have you ever felt like the whole world is against you? Like nobody wants you happy? Like nobody understands you? Well, you are very  lucky if your answer is no to most of these queries. Because I firmly believe that EVERYONE goes through these thoughts,in lesser or higher degrees! I feel so so many times and yet I am not a lunatic  and I am not a misfit. I can adjust to any given situation and take it in my stride IF I want to . It’s all under my control. Can anyone get me out of my misery if I don’t want to help myself? No way! I am my best friend, I am my worst enemy! My life is how I choose it to be! I can blame the world,   circumstances, and all and sundry, just because it is convenient for me to convince myself if I put the blame on the external .But ,in the end, my life is just what I have made of it. I have none to blame for it!

Life is a gift and all the things I take for granted are no less than luxuries for so many in this world. Yet I am pompous enough , vain enough to complain and think I deserve better.

Long years of existence in this world and I have seen so much and yet I keep blundering and  thinking I deserve better! Better than whom? Better than what? I don’t have the answers. Yet I choose to be naive  ,yet I choose to be stupid, yet I choose to hope for something better!!!

Yes, I know you got to keep improving, and learning  doesn’t  end till the day you die. So clichéd all of that!!! Nobody knows who derives motivation from what, but we keep saying the mundane because it’s the said thing!

Why? I have only one answer. Because we are human! Personally, because I am an average human being ,living my life like most people do ,not making a vast difference in stalling the climate change maybe, but living an honest life nonetheless, being true to myself and people around me, loving and relishing the little things in life and trying to be happy despite all the things I can be sad  about. I am not special, I am not hugely talented,I work hard even though I may not be the best in anything as per statistics. I live a life which I so many times find worthless,yet I strive to be the best I can be. I want adulation from people around me, I want to think people around me like me for what I am, I want to know I am making a difference in a miniscule way , I want to be appreciated, I want love ,I want to have someone in my life who will love me just the way I am-flawed and wounded , happy and sad, judged and ignored, happy and sad, right and wrong! I want to feel worthy! Nope, I am not special. I am just a regular woman wishing for regular things! You cannot take me to task for feeling thus:)

Everything in this world is temporary and the only truth in life is that nothing lasts forever and no one knows if tomorrow will come. But we plan for our future, we have post retirement plans, we ALWAYS have future plans!!Why? Because we are human and  it’s just this one life we have. So we try to make the most of it, live it up and not think that today could well be the last day of our lives!

Before I say what I am going to say  next, believe me you, I am not crazy, I am just another ordinary human being! The day I am very happy with someone or about something, the day I feel very loved and wanted, the day I am in sync with everything  around me, the day I feel content...I want that day to be the last day of my life. I don’t want to die unhappy!!!

Again, the day I am sad and desolate, the day I feel too lonely and convince myself that the world is cruel and unfair, I want that day to be the last day of my life. I don’t want to live unhappy!!!

I don’t know how many of you find time to think these random things, but if you do, I think you will not find me so weird:)))

My thoughts are so damn random, so unconstructive..that the more ambitious may label me a lazy loser. But I know I am not one. I HAVE touched some lives in a small or big way, I have been extremely  sincere in my profession, I have tried my best to be a good mother, I have let go of things when I have had  to, I have been fair to people around me mostly! I don’t consider myself a loser. I am not religious, but I am not  a non believer( I believe in goodness, I believe in love,I believe good people exist). I have people around me who love me despite my frequent ramblings of this kind. Naah, I am not a loser!Just that how one measures success in life is relative, like everything else!

 I make mistakes. Yes,I do. That’s the whole essence of the average me! But I try to make amends and not repeat my mistakes. So I’m good! So,I’m as special as you or anyone else!!

I ramble when I’m sad, I ramble when I’m happy. Either ways I’m happy when I can think aloud. If someone near me has the patience to hear me out, good for me!!! If not, I now have a so called blog of my own where I can write my heart out. And I know I will find some kindred souls out there who will read this and understand what I am trying to say! It ALWAYS helps to know you are not alone. You don’t know my story and I don’t know yours,so I  will believe your life is as good or bad as mine!!! Now, don’t tell me you don’t have a story!!!!!

Pet Therapy

Buddy and Ishaan!

When my son was but 4.5 years old, I noticed classic O.C.D symptoms in him. He would go to the washroom every 5 minutes , he would wash his hands compulsively and he would have me worried like nobody’s business. I tried cajoling him and talking him out of it, I scolded him and I felt super frustrated. 

Not relying solely on my own diagnosis, I took him to the paediatrician and further to the urologist and they ran multiple tests on him and prescribed medicines and said it could be a urinary tract infection and they scared me further saying it was uncommon in boys.

 I tried telling them in vain that his washing his hands repeatedly wasn’t normal either. My fears fell on deaf ears.Doctors, family,everyone thought my concerns were unfounded as long as he was declared medically fit.

So Google came to my rescue. I read up about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Symptoms of childhood-onset O.C.D vary widely from child to child. Some common obsessions experienced by children and adolescents with O.C.D include:

·    exaggerated fears of contamination from contact with certain people, or everyday items such as clothing, shoes, or schoolbooks

·       excessive doubts that he/she has not locked the door, shut the window, turned off the lights, or turned off the stove or other household appliance

·       marked over-concern with the appearance of homework assignments

·      excessive worry about symmetrical arrangement of everyday objects such as shoelaces, school books, clothes, or food

·       fears of accidentally harming a parent, sibling or friend

·       superstitious fears that something bad will happen if a seemingly unconnected behaviour is done (or not done)

·       Compulsive washing, bathing, or showering

·       Ritualised behaviours in which the child needs to touch body parts or perform bodily movements in a specific order or symmetrical fashion

·       Specific, repeated bedtime rituals that interfere with normal sleep

·       Compulsive repeating of certain words or prayers to ensure that bad things don’t occur

·       Compulsive reassurance-seeking from parents or teachers about not having caused harm

·       Avoidance of situations in which they think “something bad” might occur

Holy cow! Ishaan had at least 8 of these symptoms.

I knew my baby wasn’t faking anything. He just couldn’t help doing what he was doing.The next logical step was to find a child psychologist for him,I guess. But ,after a year and a half of going through this nagging trauma, I decided on something else first.On the lark, I decided to get a dog home and see if it helped. I had read somewhere that pet therapy works wonders. And I wanted to try the magic.

So , Buddy came home one summer day in 2009 . A small vulnerable little thing,forever hungry for love. He made a mess of the house,he peed and pooed everywhere till we got him potty trained and he was an absolute handful.My little one was ecstatic and believe me you,his O.C.D was a thing of the past in two weeks flat, from the time Buddy arrived home.Dogs and their loyalty and unquestionable affection to their people is something else. Only folks who have owned pets and loved them would understand it, I guess!

Both of them grew fast!

Buddy grew fast and became an integral part of our lives. My son doted on him and vice versa.

Last September, without giving us much notice, Buddy left us for good. He was unwell just for a day and died the next day. He was just 6.5 years old. My son,now 12 years old, struggled not to show his emotions, was heartbroken, did not want to be consoled ,did not want me to say anything at all to try and make him feel better. He told me categorically that nothing would make him feel better.So I let him be and I let him grieve on his own as I did so myself too.

Cut to the present. Buddy’s picture and his favourite ball sit on my son’s study desk and sometimes I still feel he might be around in the house.

Last month, a friend’s friend was looking for someone to baby sit on their puppy as they were travelling for a month and a half.When the offer came to me, I asked my son, if he would like to have a  pup home  for sometime since his summer break was round the corner and he would have all the time in the world to care for the pup.He readily agreed and we’ve had Zoe at home for over a month now.

Zoe and me

 She is such a cute little ball of fur. She is so delicate, so naughty and again has the magical powers to make us humans happy. It’s another thing that I have referred to her as Buddy so many times. But we are in  love with her now. Zoe has slept with us,licked us off,nibbled on all the furniture in the house,has stolen food from my plate,tried drinking out of my cup and generally made me very very happy. My son complains that Zoe likes me more . Well, maybe she does.

It’s time for Zoe to leave now. We are preparing ourselves for the same. I am seriously mulling over getting a pup for us again. I am talking to my son about it. But the poor kid is not over Buddy yet. He doesn’t want another dog . He is so torn between his love for Buddy and his desire to have another pup at home.He is so scared to lose his pet again! I’ll give him his time to decide.

my baby with Zoe

As for me, I have already put in a word with people and friends for a Cocker spaniel pup, I have googled options and places to buy one and I was almost decided I’ll get one next month.

But last evening,during my run (because that’s when I seem to have maximum clarity of thought), I decided to postpone getting a pet for now. It’s scary the way we get attached to things/people/pets so soon. I am not going to get a pup now as an offset of having Zoe at home for sometime. It was good to have Zoe around. Like a friend told me, Zoe was ours as long as she was with us .

 Damn! Love and affection should come with a shelf life maybe. Out of sight should be out of mind! And healing should be instant. Makes things easier. You hurt less!! If only things were that easy.

Pet therapy worked wonders for my son and it works great for me too. Life goes on.

Happy us!

love unlimited

Best Buddies!