Today

                                                                  

 

 

 

 

 

This morning I dropped my son off to the bus stop as usual. I teased him, cracked lame jokes, made conversation with some other kids at the bus stop to his utter chagrin(don’t bore them, ma!!),begged him for a peck in the cheek and irritated him no ends, till he finally gave up and gave me a resplendent smile. That smile said a lot. I could see and feel his love for me. So what if he keeps saying I should behave normally, like a regular mother. I don’t know why he keeps saying that to me often. I am the only mommy he has anyways!

So OK,maybe he thinks I don’t act my age. But how am I going to make him understand that I am game to monkey around and make a fool of myself to get that smile from him? How am I going to make him understand how precious that smile is to me?

I am also happy to make a fool of myself to get a smile from my really apprehensive paediatric patients or the really old patients. I am ,in fact, less self conscious as I am getting older.

 

Time is flying. I realise I have to completely let go of being affected by pettiness in order to be peaceful. I have to restrict myself to doing the things that make me feel alive and chuck the rest. Do no harm, take no shit, die without regrets. Period!

 

No whiling away my days. No living a life according to the opinion of others. No getting bogged down by people judging me like it is their right to do so. My life is mine. While we all spend a lot of time and energy thinking about what others will think, the truth is that no one cares. Maybe that isn’t entirely true. People who love you care and then there are others who care a little too ,but definitely not as much as we might think. Most people are busy thinking about themselves and it is a really futile exercise being self conscious and censoring ourselves because of what others might think.

 

I need to find my own peace because I am the only person I have any control over .For my peace, I know I have to express my feelings, keep my conscience clear and not prevent happiness from entering my life. If someone compliments me, why think they are trying to kiss ass. Why not just be grateful, say thank you and move on?

 

I can’t keep postponing what I want to do today till my son is older and self sufficient, till I get my next raise, till I save some more money for my retirement....that list is unending! How do I know if I will live till that day? What if I die of cancer or a heart attack, or meet with an accident on way to work ,long before my retirement?

 

I realise that I censor myself all the time because I don’t want to offend people. So I rarely express my true feelings even to the people closest to me. I am a highly emotional person and I need to connect to my close ones. Yet, even with my loved ones, I temper down what I say, to not offend them or to avoid getting into an argument. Is it worth it? What if all these bottled up emotions just explode one day?

 

I don’t want to be afraid. I want to face my fear, punch it in the face and bare my heart. There is already enough stress in our lives. Why then resist the happiness that tries to enter our lives? I am letting in the happiness and counting my blessings just now. I am grateful for my son’s laughter, I am grateful for the smile of that old patient whom I tease, I am grateful for the mischievous smile of the young patient, I am grateful for the coffee this afternoon, I am grateful for the friend who stood next to me when I took my househelp to the emergency for stitches in his head this evening ( he fell in the washroom-yeah, it has been a long day),I am grateful for this househelp who makes it convenient for me to pursue my interests while he takes care of the chores at home, I am grateful I can run, I am grateful for having sight and vision, I am grateful for having survived this day and being alive!!

 

I want to live a life without regrets, squeeze the marrow out of life and live each day like it is the last day of my life. I know it will be a Herculean task for me to be in this frame of mind at all times because I am only an average human being. But I will try. I will try to live each day to my personal maximum and go to bed without regrets every night.

 Please say AMEN!

 

P.S-On way to work this morning I saw a man on the road, oh so covered in blood and so dead, his car toppled over next to him. He must have left home/family to earn his bread and butter like every day. How was he to know what destiny had in store for him? I wonder if he got to live the life he wanted. I was really shaken at the sight and it got me really really thinking. R.I.P stranger!

 

 

                                                             

Random and ordinary me!!!

Have you ever felt lost? And lonely? Have you ever felt like the whole world is against you? Like nobody wants you happy? Like nobody understands you? Well, you are very  lucky if your answer is no to most of these queries. Because I firmly believe that EVERYONE goes through these thoughts,in lesser or higher degrees! I feel so so many times and yet I am not a lunatic  and I am not a misfit. I can adjust to any given situation and take it in my stride IF I want to . It’s all under my control. Can anyone get me out of my misery if I don’t want to help myself? No way! I am my best friend, I am my worst enemy! My life is how I choose it to be! I can blame the world,   circumstances, and all and sundry, just because it is convenient for me to convince myself if I put the blame on the external .But ,in the end, my life is just what I have made of it. I have none to blame for it!

Life is a gift and all the things I take for granted are no less than luxuries for so many in this world. Yet I am pompous enough , vain enough to complain and think I deserve better.

Long years of existence in this world and I have seen so much and yet I keep blundering and  thinking I deserve better! Better than whom? Better than what? I don’t have the answers. Yet I choose to be naive  ,yet I choose to be stupid, yet I choose to hope for something better!!!

Yes, I know you got to keep improving, and learning  doesn’t  end till the day you die. So clichéd all of that!!! Nobody knows who derives motivation from what, but we keep saying the mundane because it’s the said thing!

Why? I have only one answer. Because we are human! Personally, because I am an average human being ,living my life like most people do ,not making a vast difference in stalling the climate change maybe, but living an honest life nonetheless, being true to myself and people around me, loving and relishing the little things in life and trying to be happy despite all the things I can be sad  about. I am not special, I am not hugely talented,I work hard even though I may not be the best in anything as per statistics. I live a life which I so many times find worthless,yet I strive to be the best I can be. I want adulation from people around me, I want to think people around me like me for what I am, I want to know I am making a difference in a miniscule way , I want to be appreciated, I want love ,I want to have someone in my life who will love me just the way I am-flawed and wounded , happy and sad, judged and ignored, happy and sad, right and wrong! I want to feel worthy! Nope, I am not special. I am just a regular woman wishing for regular things! You cannot take me to task for feeling thus:)

Everything in this world is temporary and the only truth in life is that nothing lasts forever and no one knows if tomorrow will come. But we plan for our future, we have post retirement plans, we ALWAYS have future plans!!Why? Because we are human and  it’s just this one life we have. So we try to make the most of it, live it up and not think that today could well be the last day of our lives!

Before I say what I am going to say  next, believe me you, I am not crazy, I am just another ordinary human being! The day I am very happy with someone or about something, the day I feel very loved and wanted, the day I am in sync with everything  around me, the day I feel content...I want that day to be the last day of my life. I don’t want to die unhappy!!!

Again, the day I am sad and desolate, the day I feel too lonely and convince myself that the world is cruel and unfair, I want that day to be the last day of my life. I don’t want to live unhappy!!!

I don’t know how many of you find time to think these random things, but if you do, I think you will not find me so weird:)))

My thoughts are so damn random, so unconstructive..that the more ambitious may label me a lazy loser. But I know I am not one. I HAVE touched some lives in a small or big way, I have been extremely  sincere in my profession, I have tried my best to be a good mother, I have let go of things when I have had  to, I have been fair to people around me mostly! I don’t consider myself a loser. I am not religious, but I am not  a non believer( I believe in goodness, I believe in love,I believe good people exist). I have people around me who love me despite my frequent ramblings of this kind. Naah, I am not a loser!Just that how one measures success in life is relative, like everything else!

 I make mistakes. Yes,I do. That’s the whole essence of the average me! But I try to make amends and not repeat my mistakes. So I’m good! So,I’m as special as you or anyone else!!

I ramble when I’m sad, I ramble when I’m happy. Either ways I’m happy when I can think aloud. If someone near me has the patience to hear me out, good for me!!! If not, I now have a so called blog of my own where I can write my heart out. And I know I will find some kindred souls out there who will read this and understand what I am trying to say! It ALWAYS helps to know you are not alone. You don’t know my story and I don’t know yours,so I  will believe your life is as good or bad as mine!!! Now, don’t tell me you don’t have a story!!!!!