Yes,let it go!

I am sitting in a mall, away from my city, watching all kinds of people pass me by. Busy people, people whiling their time(like me),fat people, thin people, people in love, kids happy for no particular reason…..! The united colors of humanity!!!The works!

Killing time waiting to meet a friend , I feel I see my own life in flashback as I sit here. I thought one needs to be out in the open, in the hills and mountains, closer to nature ,to put things in perspective, to  think and dwell upon one’s innermost thoughts. But here I am, in a place as populated  as can be, and well, I am thinking clearly. No clouds in the head.

I am thinking, I have been ALL these people in various times of my life. I have been better than them,I have been worse than them,I have been JUST like them. How are these people passing me by,strangers then?

A few moments ago,I was feeling happy I’m  anonymous here ….nobody knows me. But,don’t they really? We are just not talking and greeting each other I guess but what is it that we don't know about each other. Do those things matter really?

Even as I have blundered ,loved,hated, cried and laughed through this existence,right now,at this very moment…I just feel calm,like I am in a really peaceful space.The lull before the storm-lol! 

I hope not!

I have made right and wrong choices in my life,which again, I consider wrong OR right only when I think in retrospective. I have done some good and some bad.I have felt disgusted with myself so many times. And I have given me the pat in my back for being a good woman too,many times.

That makes me a balanced person I guess.

No way!!!

I am as crazy as they come. I am not sure how I will react to the next nagging telemarketer's call, I am not sure if I’ll be able to resist that surge of love for my next poor patient  and not feel bad about my own privileges, I am not sure if I will not lose my cool yet again trying to get my message across to my old nursing orderly at work, I am not sure I will not AGAIN emotionally blackmail my boy to listen to me, I am not at all sure about any of this and so many more things😊

How bad is it not to be overtly ambitious about the future and just live and love in the present? How good is it? Is it too ordinary not to try and find any meaning in life ? What if I say “ My intentions are pure, my conscience is clear, I have no desire of being a shitty person” End of goal…ta-da!!!!

I attended the funeral of a dear old man the other day.He lived to be 85 years old. He was the literal “jolly old fellow”  and I can only remember him with a smile on my face. I didn’t know much of his personal life, his life’s struggles; he didn’t make or break anything in my life. But as I type this and think of him,I am smiling  and remembering the glow of warmth and love that radiated from him whenever I  met him.

I would say, if I could leave one person feeling that way about me when I am dead and gone,I’m good!

Time to go ..my buddy’s here. Also ,all these people around me can see right through me( and now YOU don’t tell me you don’t know me either…I surely know YOU!!!) –time to hibernate.

Just thinking aloud!!!!!

Ciao!

Lost..20th Aug

I hated walking into my place of work today. I hated jostling my way through the sea of patients to reach my room. I hated the thought that I was surrounded only by people burdened with woes -physical,mental,financial-you name it. This is routine for me. I should be used to it you would think. But naah! Not that simple.On days when I don’t wake up chirpy and am desperate for some positivity,for someone or something to make you feel better and all I get is to see suffering and penury around me-it sucks! And it sucks big time I tell you!

Most of the days I feel extremely grateful for the life I have compared to the dime a dozen poor patients I have to meet and see and attend to every day. I always tell myself these people help me stay grounded .This is life -raw and real. The one I’m living in and  bringing my son up in is luxury. I have to deal with all kinds of people afterall- people walking in tatters, junkies(stoned to bear the misery called life) ,really filthy(hygiene wise) folks ,people trying hard to overcome the hurdles and get forward in life-all kinds! I am a dentist,not a psychiatrist I know. Yet,when you deal with a lot of uneducated  and really poor people you will realise like I do now-they don’t come with just a tooth woe -they come with their entire baggage. Their baggage is part of them-they cannot park it in any sheltered cocoons,so they carry them along—wherever they go! That’s how,me the mere dentist gets a glimpse of their miseries and sufferings ever so often.

Anyways,why I am rambling today is because I really donot want to encounter any of this today. I just want rainbows and pretty flowers ,happy faces and sunshine today.I want a magic wand to be happy and to not  feel the way I do just now. But I don’t have an alternate place of work to go to unfortunately!And life doesn’t work according to my whims and fancies. So I ramble on  every now and then. Sometimes these ramblings make me feel better,sometimes I cry as I write,sometimes I end up more angry, sometimes more sad and life goes on. The sun sets like always and the day gets over. Sometimes I win,sometimes the devil in me wins . It’s a neverending hustle…trying to be happy and  content.

Sometimes I’m not even sure if happiness is what I’m chasing. I am just hitting a big time low today…down down down. I am trying to will myself to do the things I know I should do..but I am losing with the devil in my head by tooooo big a margin. I just want to give up and let her do whatever the fuck she wants to do. Nothing is enough anyways!!!

So many responsibilities to fulfil,so many mundane tasks to finish,so many things to keep me busy in vain.

I want to go away… somewhere far far away from everyone and everything that constitutes my life. Just breathe in some fresh air and cry and laugh when and how I want to ,not be politically correct,not restrain myself from doing anything at all. Or maybe just die and put a full stop to all the craziness in my head. I am tired of it all. I just want out of all the pain and nonsense!

In the meantime-I have to live some more it seems—however!!!!