Mind games

I found my mind jumping from one thought to another today. The news of death of an elder in the family,the guilt of screaming at my boy in the morning (usual drama on a school day morning),the longish to do list,the excitement of the trip to the hills tomorrow,the boring administrative formalities at work and so on!

I want my mind to slow down ,I can’t seem to do it,I just can’t calm it down!

Wandering away thinking of those guys setting up shop(the cigarette,candy,rusk selling variety)on the footpath  as I crossed them while cycling in the morning! They were setting it up with so much deliberation and care. I wonder how their day will go sitting there in the sun trying to make some paltry money to make ends meet! Will they sleep better after such a hard day’s work or maybe because their worries are more basic, like food,clothing and shelter?

Wandering away thinking why it’s easy for me not to begrudge anyone anymore. I no longer struggle with my prejudices against others. Like they say, I am too busy watering the grass on my side to notice if the grass is greener on the other side.

I just feel overwhelmed when I realize the grass on my side IS greener!!I wonder if you know what I mean!

After work, I sat at a prayer meeting for a senior colleague’s son, who passed away at a young age of 36, battling cancer. I kept looking at the handsome young man’s picture and wondered what must be going through the parents’ minds. While I sat there,back home my father was mourning the loss of his eldest brother.He was 80 years old. My father is now the oldest of the 4 siblings alive(they were 7).I wonder what thoughts must be crossing his mind.

 I  clown around,laugh loudly, make jokes, act tough(even when I don’t feel so strong at times) and life goes on. It’s so much easier to let people see what they want,that picture of me that’s easiest to digest.I don’t complain because I know if I so much as whisper a complaint,I’ll be judged and criticized. But I know,for every person who made it big(wuteva-it’s again such a relative term-making it big!),there are hundreds like me who are hanging on there and turn nowhere for help,but inward!!!

Wandering away thinking, if there was a label for each person that told others everything about you,would it make people much kinder to one another.Would knowing others troubles and burdens not make us more considerate to them?

I would like my label to say "Psychia-good person,hard worker,trying her best!"

Tomorrow is another day!

P.S-I have no idea what I started out to ramble,but this rambling does me good!

Judgement Day

In no time they are as tall as you!

It’s tough being mommy to a teen aged boy. Today is a sort of judgement day for my boy.At least that’s how he feels.He gets his results and graduates to IXth grade today. He did not really burn the midnight oil in preparation for his year ending examination. But yes , he did prepare sincerely and put in the hours -mugging,learning,reading the prescribed syllabus. I gave him the time he wanted from me. He has  gone to school kind of tensed today. “How long will you be angry with me if my marks aren’t upto YOUR expectations (ouch)?”I tell him I’ll TRY not to be angry for too long because obviously it will make me happy to see him doing well!

After seeing him off to school today , I thought about all the pressure I inadvertently put on him to fit into the world and prepare for the onslaught of the rat race.

 Introvert fella that my son is, he only opens up to a few and speaks what’s on his mind to the chosen few in his life. He has few friends he wants to be in touch with, he has a very high emotional quotient (no,I’m not bragging or being biased because I’m his mom) and is very sensitive to the feelings of his immediate family. I am lucky to be the one person in his life with whom he speaks his mind, spells out his fears (or so I think!) and asks the most basic questions which leave me wondering whether I should give him the answers I should be giving him or the answers I WANT to give him. I want to tell him I don’t really care what marks you get today, that’s not what will make or  break you in life. I want to tell him life is about more than that medal or score in your class test. I want to tell him to follow his heart and do as he wishes. But , I know I can’t provide for him throughout his life. Some years down the line, he will have to earn a living even to maintain status quo on the  comfortable life he is living today.He has to get into the big bad adult world  and understand that it is survival of the fittest out there.

So without mincing my words, I tell him he has to go through the works-mug , practice and read the things he may have no interest in, decide what he wants to do in life and gear up for  the life  outside his sheltered cocoon  !! I tell him money talks and he has  to be earning a decent amount of it to live happy and comfortable.

One day ,very recently-he was talking about his life’s wish---how he wants to grow up to live in a small town in a small house,albeit with all modern amenities,earn just enough money to sustain himself, make a few friends (read 'get to know his neighbors'), own a small mode of transport to go to the nearby shopping centre to buy his daily needs(that is, if the place is not  at walking distance; otherwise he is good without one), read his books ,play his online games , exercise to stay fit and healthy and basically just chill out in life. I hugged him tight and told him that’s exactly what I want to do even today. But maybe, just maybe, life won’t be that easy!

He has started running a little with me of late! We run 5ks together every now and then.I never cajoled him into running. It is his own teenaged decision, because he figures he’s gotta do something to stay fit. Even yesterday, after having fixed a run date for the evening with me himself, he casually remarked before we started our run that he doesn’t really like running!!! He is doing it because he thinks he should. Well hello, life’s like that I tell him. But I can figure he quite likes running.

He is quite a sorted fella, my boy. I know it.You meet him and he may not even make eye contact with you.That’s how he is . I am at the receiving end of all and sundry asking me “Is he in a bad mood? Why is he grumpy? What’s wrong with him?”.I want to tell all these insensitive folks “He’s fine.NOTHING is wrong with him” He just doesn’t smile and laugh as much as his mom and doesn’t really care about his social status or what you think about him so much yet. Once he has  said his curt hello to you , he wants no further contact with you right now. Maybe he warms up to you someday if either of you care enough about each other but this is it for today. Thank you! And yeah, even if I’m smiling -I don’t like to be subjected to these insensitive queries either. He’s my baby!

If he likes you, he'll smile :)

When he asked me about this ‘problem’ he often faces , during one of our chatty post dinner walks, I told him I know he’s fine but maybe its best he just pretends like he’s really excited to see whoever he is meeting, be it for the first time. I had to tell him that even the most well meaning ,mature adults lack the sensitivity and just say what comes to their mind,without thinking twice . That’s life!

And he smiles! I know he appreciates me better when he knows I am being absolutely honest with him.

We have these mommy lecture sessions too when I tell him he has to learn not to give up on things.He has to learn to lose AND enjoy winning.He has to work on his weaknesses and make them his strengths. He has to try and stay away from envy and learn to enjoy his own company. He must know that failing is a far better option than cheating.He has to fight for his rights. He has to become a really kind hearted tough guy!!!He understands what I'm trying to say-I can tell from the way he hears me out!

While I took this rambling trip today, sonny boy’s back home with his results. He called a while back. He’s scored an 86.7%  aggregate in his final exams.We are officially in Class IX now!

I am more than happy. I didn't intend to be angry with him today,come what may!
I  know he’s a good kid. He’s such a nice son!

We have to celebrate his graduation tonight!

My boy!