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Sunday morning is the long workout day. I haven’t been feeling upto it for sometime now. It’s been too muddled up in the head recently. Anyways, I’m nursing kind of a lover’s tiff with running , but it is pertinent to move myself for more reasons than one at the moment. So yesterday, to make my Sunday morning feel more normal,I decided to cycle.

 I kept cycling loops around two main roads near where I stay in South Delhi for 4 odd hours. Its funny how even when you are moving physically in one direction,your brain can still go another way.I was cycling but in my head,I had so many things flashing by.

By the time I had finished my first loop,I saw this guy on the road, an “apparent mad man”.He sent my mind on an overdrive. Well, we see these mad people on the roads…some of them even stark naked but surviving the streets of Delhi and still living on. No authorities will take them away or put them in  an asylum. Their plight seems worse than the stray dogs. Yesterday on my ride,I also saw a MCD van full of stray dogs---probably being taken to be spayed/neutered. Hence the comparision came up as I type this.

 This mad man I saw was wearing a pair of shabby torn trousers and nothing else and walking on the street( it appeared more like he was dragging himself)-at first I thought it was just another drunkard on the road. But it wasn’t so. He was either crazy ,as if he had lost his mind totally or was on the verge of it.He had a lot of bruises in his elbows and back ..the bruises were fresh and bleeding. Well I rode past him and didn’t think much.

But next loop he was there again,he had succeeded in moving about 200-400m forward in the 30 mins that I took to get back to that place. Now I wondered WHY he was moving so slow to go whereever he wanted to go because he seemed to be walking okay..no bones broken,no deformities. That’s when I realized he just didn’t believe he could walk. He was crazy or so he believed. I shook my head,felt pained to see the guy this time and went on. 

Next loop …he was sitting on the footpath…just where I had seen him earlier.Okay…stop going on a downward spiral seeing this guy’s misery,I told myself. 

Next loop— he was actually trying to drag himself forward on his elbows and back(that explained his bruises) .I don’t know why he was doing that because I knew and saw he COULD walk. I screamed at him and told him to get to one side unless he wanted to be run over by a speeding vehicle. Oh my God, I don’t know why , but seeing him like this made me angry with myself and life and everything else.

 My ride was all but totally ruined. But just then the  rains started-first drizzling then a heavy downpour….typical hour long Delhi showers. I cycled on and felt trifle better. The rain was so heavy that I was almost blinded by the water falling on my eyes. But I could carry on because it was a Sunday,there was hardly any traffic and all the two wheelers had come to a halt because of the rain. I did two more loops  before I returned home. The crazy fellow was on his elbows and back,looking skywards and blabbering and howling. He was complaining to the Rain Gods I suppose.

Naah, I wasn’t a good Samaritan. I didn’t stop to help him. I didn’t stop to ask him what was wrong. I was not in the frame of mind . On a good day,I would have probably stopped and handed him some money or fetched him some food at least….but not yesterday. I was low on empathy! I was riding to help me out of my own misery,not to help anyone else.

 But yes, I kept remembering the loony. 

This morning, I willed myself to run a 10k on the same loop and almost expected to see him there…but there was no sign of him. I made no mention of him to my friend., with whom I was running. But now I am thinking more clearly .

So it strikes me now how we tread on the thin line between sanity and insanity. How we busy ourselves, day in and day out with so many things -some important, some irrelevant,but mostly mundane stuff and don’t realise that we are all in danger of crossing the line. 

Actually I think many of us keep jumping over that line every now and then completely unaware of the same. Then we find our way back to the safe zone and hence don’t think much of it. All you need is for the darkness(read stress ,anger, depression ,sadness or any other intense negative emotion ) to overshadow the light and there you are ,on the wrong side of the fence.

 I find myself there often,I KNOW when I’m there and I keep willing myself back to where I think I belong-the safe sane zone!!I am nowhere as strong as I would like to be but there are times when I feel so overwhelmed that I feel I won’t be able to find my way back. I haven’t been able to clearly express these feelings to myself or anyone else till date. But this guy I encountered yesterday made me think hard….about so many things!  And for now,today,this rambling is helping. Thankfully,I am still managing to handle the two states of mind …but that poor fella had crossed the line and ventured to a point of no return I suppose.I have myself experienced intense light followed by blackest nights. But so far,there has always been light in the end. I need more of that light and I need to park myself in the light longer. I find my resources dwindling so many times and it scares me!

It’s all too tough!

"Tears are words that need to be written"

I lost a friend and colleague last evening. 

He and his family fought his Glioblastoma Multiforme(one of the fastest growing,most malignant brain tumors) the best they could in the last six months till his body could fight no more,the doctors could help no more,the prayers could help no more..because his time had come and no one could  change that.

He leaves behind his wife and two young teenaged children.

As long as he lived , he used to do everything possible to make them happy and be involved in every little thing in their lives. A totally hands on dad and husband he was. Six months back it would be difficult to fathom how that family could ever manage without Rohit. 

But since the time he was detected with the dreaded terminal disease ,I have seen his wife handle everything with so much courage and dignity and levelheadedness. Standing there at his funeral today, as he went up in flames,I just couldn’t help respecting the lady for the way she conducted herself through the tragedy . At all times, she was totally THERE for her children. Its true what they say about a person's true strength and character only showing in the face of adversities.

 She will grieve and cry a lot -she will need to.There were many of us friends and family today to take Rohit on his final journey and to support his wife and kids. But of course,grief is finally a walk alone. We can be there and listen.But ,she and her kids will walk alone down their own path of grief,at their own pace, with their raw wounds,their feelings of denial,anger and bitter loss. Hopefully,they will soon come to their own peace.But it’s a given they will have to do it on their own ,in their own time. May they find the strength to do so and to be each other’s strength.

Its fascinating how the wisest of us think we could help someone deal with a loss like this. But I guess,we are only human. We want to help,we want to be able to be of some service and help ease the pain and suffering we see in our fellow human beings.

Looking at her dead husband she said to me-I couldn’t even spend 20 years with him. That’s life-20 years too many for some, twenty years too little for others. Try how hard we may,we can’t be completely prepared for our tomorrows. Yet,like the Buddha says ,“The trouble is, you think you have time”. It really is pertinent that we live each day as if its our last.

Going to Rohit’s funeral ,watching his 15 year old son going through the rituals as advised,was heart breaking ,to say the least. 

But now as I sit and type this,I marvel at the strength of the boy to go through the entire rigmarole so calm and composed. He sat clenching his fists so hard as he sat next to his father at home-in denial,in anger.I couldn't imagine what went through his young mind-but it took me all my will not to go hug him and ask him to let go whatever he was holding back. But once at the cremation,he looked totally in control. Its all about resilience and the human spirit. The human spirit ,like someone said, is stronger than anything that can happen to it. Otherwise ,we would all die of heartbreak I suppose.

I knew Rohit for close to 12 years,we were working in the same hospital for 9 years or so. He moved to the colony I stay in,some years back and we were car pool partners too till I got transferred to another hospital. As is obvious,the 25km drive up and down 6 days a week made us share a lot of our experiences and life stories.He was a good man and a good friend.He was a sincere and dedicated surgeon. He was always so proud of his wife and children. He  was 48 years young.

 He must have had plans for himself and his family’s future like we all do.Of course he never anticipated this terrible turn of events.Yet, as he lay dead,he was the one who looked completely at peace-no more suffering ,no more worries,no more stress. So many of us grieving around him but he was oblivious to  it all and gone. He had reached his final destination.

Though they can never overcome the loss ,his family will reminisce the beautiful memories of the years spent with him , time will heal and life will go on. I hope Rohit left without many regrets. No one can ever do ALL the things they want to do in their lifetime,but keeping the conscience clear and to know in the end that you did the best you could helps,I am sure!

As Rohit left,I brought their little pup Joy to stay over at our place because there will be too much happening at Rohit’s. His wife wanted me to babysit on him till some normalcy can be restored in their household.I find myself telling the 4 month old pup to buck up because he has a lot of responsibility on his shoulders,to cheer up the aggrieved family,to shower more unadulterated love on them,to be their super anxiolytic drug! I know he will be able to help them destress more than anyone else.

The search for our  coping mechanisms and our dependence on them will never be over. That’s life! Death ,on the other hand, is simpler!

Peace!

“I am the one that’s got to die when it’s time for me to die. So let me live my life, the way I want to”-Jim Hendrix

Rohit: 17th April 1970-28th July 2018