Why do I run?

“I run because it is therapeutic for me. Because every time I run outside, around my home, I am reminded of the beauty of the world, of which I often forget. Yet, at the same time, I am fully aware of beauty, it simply saddens me because of reasons I have not yet conjured up. I suppose I am sad. But at the same time, I am happy, and miserable, and joyful, and stressed out, and calm and everything in between.

I am everything. Every emotion rigged in every format, and developed through every machine. I am numb, but I am not.”

A kindred soul forwarded me an article some months back. I can’t even remember whose words these are. But this excerpt from that article is  on my desk and I read it every day. It never fails to strike a chord with me. How does one sum up in one sentence as to why one runs?

At least, I cannot do it! On days when I am feeling under the weather, facing extreme Monday morning blues and feeling very lonely, I can simply cry reading this. Like today! I hate myself for being such an emotional buffoon, I tell you! But trying to change myself has not gotten me too far. So I am kind of giving up on that.

Most of the times, I want to run all alone, whether I am happy or in despair, whether I want to boost my spirits or generally feel good at a particular time. Then I don’t care how fast or slow I am running. All that matters is that my feet are pounding the ground, my heart rate is accelerating, I am out of breath and am pushing my limits and the rest of the random thoughts are fading from my mind. I am meditating and running is definitely sacred. I have cried on a few of my solo runs, because of the relief I feel while running. The endorphins should make me high isn’t it? I tell myself often that it’s a little wonky to indulge is such solo runs too often.

So though I like me wonky, I try to go out and run with all the awesome runner buddies I have- every now and then. I feel all enthused meeting them. I seriously do. All the paraphernalia, the glamour, the competitive spirit and the never ending talks around running are quite amusing. I do feel like one of the herd, the pack, the family-if I may say so!

Then again, when I am alone, why do I feel like the black sheep of the running family .Well meaning people, who think more highly of me than I deserve, often ask me-“ What’s your next goal? Which is the next big race you are running?”

Damn, I don’t know! I need to set me some goals. I need to get real. I need to get out of my make believe world. It gets lonely out there many times.

But I want easy. No, no don’t ever think I shirk from hard work. I am a true blue worker bee. I am just wary of technique, and going into the science of running. Give me the philosophy of running any day, and I will buy it! 8 out of 10 days, the technique and science of running don’t catch my fancy. Of course there are those two days, when I do allow better sense to prevail. Why?

Because you see, I am yet to run a 100 kms at a stretch. I am yet to run a H.M I can boast of to my grandchildren ! I want to keep pushing me till the day I die.

But when I started running half marathons and longer distances, the distances that hurt and make you happy at the same time, they uncomplicated my mind and freed my spirit. Now sometimes, I can’t help but think that the entire business of running has got complicated. I just want to maintain the sanctity of my favourite feel good thing. I want it to remain my go to thing. I don’t want to stress over my runs and running goals. I want my running to keep de-stressing me. That’s all!

Do I make any sense at all?

I dunno.

I just ramble from my heart!!

Egoistic me

Yes, I am egoistic. I put my needs before those of others. I do believe self interest inspires every human action-yes, even feeding that poor hungry child on the road. I know, when I go and give my old clothes to the poor and homeless or feed a few of them every once in a while, I do nothing to better their lives. I do nothing for the betterment of humanity. But, I do feel good about it for some time. So, basically I do it for myself. So, I am egoistic! And it’s okay. If I don’t feel good about myself, I will accomplish nothing any ways. So, all is well!

Here’s one side of the coin. I know my ego is here to stay. I will feel bad over petty things, thanks to my ego. I will always think I deserve better,I will always feel bad if my friends and family don’t understand things from my perspective. I am too ordinary to think I will attain higher enlightenment in this lifetime. People will judge me whether I like it or not. They’ll criticise my actions without knowing half my story. And I will feel bad about these things. I have to learn to use my ego to my advantage and be happy. I don’t want to free myself of my ego.

My ego is merely the evidence of my fragility. If I didn't have an ego, I wouldn't feel bad if someone yelled at me, my feelings wouldn't be hurt by rejection, I wouldn't wish for any tender love and care from anyone. I wouldn't wish to be treated thoughtfully –like I am some important being who matters. I wouldn't even despair if my plans didn't fall into place. Basically, I would become superhuman!

But here’s the other side of the coin. I have an ego of considerable size - yes. You could also call it a measure of my self esteem. My ego is my pride. My ego helps me to not go all downhill. I wouldn't mind a bigger ego really. It would help me win some more battles in life, I believe. Don’t you think all champions and winners have big egos? Why would they want to win all the time otherwise? How can you compete and win without an ego? I do believe the desire to win at all costs is what drives champions. Because, losing is not acceptable to them. Losing is too damaging to their egos. I wish I had an ego of a champion. A champion ego!!!

In your fight to excel and to be the best, you and your ego have to conspire and join hands. Would that mean winners have no humility? I don’t think so. You just have to nurture the positive ego and keep a check on the part of your ego that behaves like an immature child. You just have to strike that balance.

I only recently learnt the word braggadocio. It means  ‘boastful or arrogant behaviour’. So being a braggadocio, being arrogant, being an empty boaster and bragging on is not the same as being egoistic.

I am not a braggadocio. But I don’t want to be a loser either. I don’t want to be happy coming 10^th among 10 in anything. I need to keep trying to get better and keep climbing the ladder of my self esteem. It’s all up to me.

So I am keeping my ego-as a measure of my fragility and as a measure of my self esteem. I like to be as human (e) as possible!