Imperfectly perfect!

Life can play all sorts of games with us without us even knowing. Maybe destiny is underrated. Maybe what’s happening in our lives was planned from before and just maybe the best way to be in peace is to accept things rather than being a refrained recipient.

I know I am just an imperfect girl still trying to fit into an imperfect world. There are things that are beyond my control. Come to think of it, what IS under my control? My own attitude is probably all I can try to control. Positive thoughts, self discipline, self restraint, self belief. I can only change myself really. So clichéd!

Seriously, I can sow a seed, water it, add some fertilizers, and even plough the field-but I have to wait patiently for the fruits and flowers to grow. I cannot force sunlight to shine brighter or turn the direction of the winds and rain. There is only so much I can do. Tell me something new !

Perfection really is too lofty a goal to reach. I am mostly reconciled to being imperfect. I just want to respect and indulge in all the imperfections around me. Rather, all that I think is imperfect. All around me I see that success really is measured by materialistic things you have , the recognition you have in society and the easiest thing to do is succumb to the mirage of perfection. There is no Utopia. Why then should I beat myself up everyday seeking what does not exist at all? So many times in a single day, why do I let my perception of perfection rob the very potential for joy that I have in my life.

I am getting older every day. Time is flying past me. Days at end, I still feel empty inside and am forever looking for something to lift my spirits. Sometimes, I wonder if the trivial chores that I run around doing on a daily basis, aren't they also supposed to balance out the complicated and painful thoughts that haunt me ever so often. Am I not to be grateful for the mundane too, then? Yes, I am. I guess I am supposed to be grateful for everything in my life-the good, the bad and the ugly. If I did not learn the right lesson from each life experience, who can I blame for that but yours truly?

I have to learn to be content living this anonymous life. (Yeah, you know my name, you know how I look, but do you think you really know me?)I remember when I was a kid, I actually believed that the moon followed us everywhere. It was such a great feeling. Somewhere along the line, life just got too darned complicated.

I know this is as random as it can get. I was supposed to be out running with friends just now. But sonny boy is feeling under the weather. He looked at me imploringly with his puppy dog eyes and asked me  to stay. So I did. And now he’s fast asleep . Brat!

Here I am-rambling on. Thank heavens it’s time to get to work now. Working on Saturdays ain't that bad!

Seriously bad day!

I can’t remember my dreams.Literally! I sleep less. So, maybe I don’t dream at all. Sometimes I wake up with the feeling that I dreamt something nice may be. But for the life of me,I can never remember my dreams.

I do get nightmares though. I sleep less. That could be why I get these nightmares. Give me a nightmare and voila-I remember! I ruin my mood ,I rewind it in my head umpteen times and I just have a bad day! Like today. I woke up distraught. Couldn’t jump out of bed when the alarm went, finally willed me to start my day after an hour or so. 

Even went for a short run. It did nothing to cheer me up . Endorphins be damned. The fact that one young fella , tried  to outrun me for 300 m or so everytime I crossed him on that short 625m loop of my neighbourhood park,panting and thrashing mother earth like he wanted to break into her-did nothing to make me happy!

I came back home grumpy. I hugged my son tight to make me feel better. He was in deep slumber .I woke up the poor fellow and got him annoyed. I lost my cool with the househelp for the same stupid things he does every day,the same things I laugh about on a better day.

I got to work late. My patients , wouldn’t understand ANYTHING I said at one go. The paediatric patients today seemed to be kicking more and creating a bigger ruckus on the dental chair. Now as I type this ,I know my patients are always like that. On a good day,I laugh when they speak neither Hindi ,nor English nor Assamese (the only languages I know)but some dialect from some part of the country and I threaten to explain treatment in my mother tongue as well.Today,I had no patience with them.I was curt and to the point.I did not have it in me to help them unwind.On a good day,I don’t mind if the kids literally bite off my fingers as I do their extractions and I have to explain the same thing a 100 times over .Today,I was the bad doctor auntyL

Today  I went to work with my wings broken,halo bent and horns showing loud and clear!

Back home ,I was supposed to do a short workout. Instead, I tried napping in vain,binged on a lot of junk and ended up more miserable.

I generally let an abstract something rule my day and mind today! I shamed me yet again! AAARGH!

I’m going to kill that creepy guy from my nightmare –in my mind! I hate him. And then I am going to skip dinner and crash early! Tomorrow,I'll be a good girl!

Talk of a bad day!

A magic wand please?

A young boy ,all of 16 , comes to my O.P.D room just as its lunch time for me. He has visited  some other O.P.D in the hospital and has been referred to a higher centre for Psychiatric counselling.The hospital I work in doesn't have a psychiatry department.

He has come to me to tell me that his teeth strike against each other and dance when he walks.

I am taken aback. One look at him and I know he is not kidding. He is in utter distress.

He says he needs his “Brain”  checked too.He says he gets palpitations and keeps thinking negative and feels scared.

I ought to look at his teeth and tell him all is well in his mouth and that he doesn't in any way, need a dentist’s intervention. That’s about it.So I look at his teeth and mouth in all earnest. I already know he has good teeth and I tell him that his is the best set of dentition I have seen since morning.(I have seen 60 patients today and I am NOT lying to him)

He has come to the hospital alone-no grown up with him to whom I can explain that he probably needs just some tender love and care to start with,he probably needs “not” to be alone. My heart goes out to him. He looks healthy otherwise .He looks like he belongs to a family that gets the three square meals a day definitely.

Now I  talk to him for quite sometime. Its lunch time. I can afford to.His father works in a dye factory,his mother loves him ,one elder sister who is married,one elder brother who is studying. They stay in Haryana but they belong to U.P . And so forth. His father wanted him to go to school.He wanted out.Left home and came to Delhi to find work here. Works as a waiter somewhere now.(Who employs 16 year olds?)

I ask him why he is unhappy if he is doing what he wanted to do. I know he is not telling me everything obviously.I tell him so.He smiles.He won’t tell me more today. I tell him to quit his job and go back home ,to be with the family who he says cares for him and is willing to provide for him yet.I tell him I am here to listen to him if he wants to come and tell me anything more. I don’t have time during O.P.D hours ,can only afford to talk to him during my lunch hours.

My own son, the one I dote on ,the one I am fiercely protective about is just 4 years younger than this young man sitting in front of me. This young man who won’t look me in my eye, who sits with his  head drooping down. I am dying to give him a hug and tell him everything will be okay.The world is a good place to live in. Insecurities come and go. You have to hold your head high and spirit higher. You gotta be brave. Everyone gets by!

Anyway, I write him some placebos. He goes to fetch his medicines from the pharmacy, comes back twice to my room under some pretext or other. Only, I can’t give him more time . I have patients now. He needs a shoulder to cry on. No one likes to feel  lonely.

I have to learn not to get emotional about my patients.

But I could do with a magic wand. Any leads?

Okay, Gaurav is 5 years old, he is super cute. I plonked him on my table post treatment and he told me his ( girl)friend’s name is Kaya. He also graciously agreed to take a selfie with me. He got two candies from me. He is saving one to give to Kaya at school tomorrow......

Life goes on!!!