Feisty me?

                                                     

Am I brave enough to face and accept my flaws myself? Yes!

Am I mature enough to face it without as much as flinching if someone else points out the same flaws to me? Nope!

Time to grow up! Well into the fourth decade of my life and here I am unable to own up and slow down.

Slow down, capture my bliss, take out time for myself without guilt, see humour in things that don’t go my way and yet be myself. Time to stop being a drama queen and own up to my own feisty, tough self! Too many years of being too nice takes its toll sometimes.

Do I need to be nice all the time? Nope!
I need to connect with the real spirited me!

And maybe I should set myself some goals (albeit short term!)-some spunky goals!

Why follow the herd? Why want things just because someone else has them? Why envy anyone at all?

Why think any less of my own awesome self just because someone pointed out a flaw in me (and happened to be right! Hell!) ?

I just need to kick the flaw out of my system and get tougher!

Then, I need to practice dealing differently with people and situations that upset /anger me. All I have to do is express my displeasure, my opinion etc in an unemotional way keeping in mind my spunky goals! Ta-Da!

But, tell you what-I like being nice. I revel in doing little things for others that will bring a smile to their face. Be it a stranger. I thrive on goodness. I believe in goodness. I live on hope. I believe this world is a good place!

I do end up being a mess when I confront myself. I like to give the benefit of doubt to every other person. But I don’t forgive myself easily. Does that mean I don’t love myself enough? Why do I feel bad/hurt if I realise I was taken for a ride by X, Y or Z despite my being nice to them? Does anyone owe it to me to behave the way I behaved with them?

I just need to be more cautious. Why let anyone take me on these rides in the first place? I seriously do need to connect with the feisty me!!

Will I not be nice then?
I will be!
I can give my own spirited opinion about things and yet be nice.
I need to stop doing things that I don’t like doing just to please others. I will still be nice!

All I now need to do is operate in such a manner through my days, so that when I lay myself down to sleep at night, my conscience is clear and I have no regrets. That’s only up to me. That is the only way I can hit the jackpot.

So easy ;)))

I am an ordinary person. But I am a very special person too! Take me or leave me. I am going to be myself.
In any case, I can only deal with one person at a time. So I am just going to be myself and deal with myself!
Everyone else is apparently taken anyways;)

Savouring the NOW

I want to learn to savour life. The present.I want to make the most of my time on this planet.
The only way I can do it is by losing track of my time here! Paradoxical ,yes!

I yearn for a somewhat elusive state of existence. I know I cannot will myself to love, to be happy or to sleep.The most I can do is set the stage, create the right ambience to fall in love, to be happy or to sleep.

My “monkey mind" jumps from thought to thought. I know,at the core of anything in life there is a paradox. Letting go of what I want is the only way to get it. Simple is so complicated! Phew!

"Buddha described the human mind as being filled with drunken monkeys, jumping around, screeching, chattering, carrying on endlessly. We all have monkey minds, Buddha said, with dozens of monkeys all clamouring for attention. Fear is an especially loud monkey, sounding the alarm incessantly, pointing out all the things we should be wary of and everything that could go wrong."

So as I sit idle this afternoon and let my mind wander yet again, I tell myself I want to stop this constant process of self-evaluation and this habit of getting lost in my mind. Because ,in my mind is where I make those critical evaluations that beat me up.

I want to live in the present. NOW. I don't want to think of the better coffee I had somewhere else while I'm sipping this coffee now.This coffee is good .Its all I need just now. The “Marie” biscuit I nibble on is good too and I quite like it. I don't care if I run out of this coffee or biscuit tomorrow. I have it here now and I like that.How profound :)

My thoughts are just  that- thoughts. Do I necessarily have to believe in them or do just as my thoughts say? Nope!

Have you ever zoned out? Like , I read a page in a book at times and I know I read every word on that page, but I have no idea, what it said. I tell the house-help to, say,fetch my laptop and he comes back with my phone, because I had actually told him to get the phone. That's only because, so many times, I am mindless to what I am doing at that moment.

Now, I want these blackouts to cease. I don't want life passing me by without registering on me. I want to see the world with fresh eyes(I am myopic as well as hypermetropic, by the way:)).

No, no---no eye surgery for me! I just want to savour even the realisation that almost everything is different each time- the way my son says good morning to me every day, the pattern of light on the buildings, the colour of the leaves on the plants in my house, the faces of people, even the feelings I experience along the way .

I want to develop my "beginner’s mind”.

“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.”

And mind you,this is not my future goal.

I am just making a conscious decision to pay attention to what’s happening at the present moment, become aware of the fact that I am breathing now. I am ALIVE just now! I am here. This is it. I am here. Nothing happens next. I am here.This is it. My destination is not tomorrow,it is  NOW!