Egoistic me

Yes, I am egoistic. I put my needs before those of others. I do believe self interest inspires every human action-yes, even feeding that poor hungry child on the road. I know, when I go and give my old clothes to the poor and homeless or feed a few of them every once in a while, I do nothing to better their lives. I do nothing for the betterment of humanity. But, I do feel good about it for some time. So, basically I do it for myself. So, I am egoistic! And it’s okay. If I don’t feel good about myself, I will accomplish nothing any ways. So, all is well!

Here’s one side of the coin. I know my ego is here to stay. I will feel bad over petty things, thanks to my ego. I will always think I deserve better,I will always feel bad if my friends and family don’t understand things from my perspective. I am too ordinary to think I will attain higher enlightenment in this lifetime. People will judge me whether I like it or not. They’ll criticise my actions without knowing half my story. And I will feel bad about these things. I have to learn to use my ego to my advantage and be happy. I don’t want to free myself of my ego.

My ego is merely the evidence of my fragility. If I didn't have an ego, I wouldn't feel bad if someone yelled at me, my feelings wouldn't be hurt by rejection, I wouldn't wish for any tender love and care from anyone. I wouldn't wish to be treated thoughtfully –like I am some important being who matters. I wouldn't even despair if my plans didn't fall into place. Basically, I would become superhuman!

But here’s the other side of the coin. I have an ego of considerable size - yes. You could also call it a measure of my self esteem. My ego is my pride. My ego helps me to not go all downhill. I wouldn't mind a bigger ego really. It would help me win some more battles in life, I believe. Don’t you think all champions and winners have big egos? Why would they want to win all the time otherwise? How can you compete and win without an ego? I do believe the desire to win at all costs is what drives champions. Because, losing is not acceptable to them. Losing is too damaging to their egos. I wish I had an ego of a champion. A champion ego!!!

In your fight to excel and to be the best, you and your ego have to conspire and join hands. Would that mean winners have no humility? I don’t think so. You just have to nurture the positive ego and keep a check on the part of your ego that behaves like an immature child. You just have to strike that balance.

I only recently learnt the word braggadocio. It means  ‘boastful or arrogant behaviour’. So being a braggadocio, being arrogant, being an empty boaster and bragging on is not the same as being egoistic.

I am not a braggadocio. But I don’t want to be a loser either. I don’t want to be happy coming 10^th among 10 in anything. I need to keep trying to get better and keep climbing the ladder of my self esteem. It’s all up to me.

So I am keeping my ego-as a measure of my fragility and as a measure of my self esteem. I like to be as human (e) as possible!

Imperfectly perfect!

Life can play all sorts of games with us without us even knowing. Maybe destiny is underrated. Maybe what’s happening in our lives was planned from before and just maybe the best way to be in peace is to accept things rather than being a refrained recipient.

I know I am just an imperfect girl still trying to fit into an imperfect world. There are things that are beyond my control. Come to think of it, what IS under my control? My own attitude is probably all I can try to control. Positive thoughts, self discipline, self restraint, self belief. I can only change myself really. So clichéd!

Seriously, I can sow a seed, water it, add some fertilizers, and even plough the field-but I have to wait patiently for the fruits and flowers to grow. I cannot force sunlight to shine brighter or turn the direction of the winds and rain. There is only so much I can do. Tell me something new !

Perfection really is too lofty a goal to reach. I am mostly reconciled to being imperfect. I just want to respect and indulge in all the imperfections around me. Rather, all that I think is imperfect. All around me I see that success really is measured by materialistic things you have , the recognition you have in society and the easiest thing to do is succumb to the mirage of perfection. There is no Utopia. Why then should I beat myself up everyday seeking what does not exist at all? So many times in a single day, why do I let my perception of perfection rob the very potential for joy that I have in my life.

I am getting older every day. Time is flying past me. Days at end, I still feel empty inside and am forever looking for something to lift my spirits. Sometimes, I wonder if the trivial chores that I run around doing on a daily basis, aren't they also supposed to balance out the complicated and painful thoughts that haunt me ever so often. Am I not to be grateful for the mundane too, then? Yes, I am. I guess I am supposed to be grateful for everything in my life-the good, the bad and the ugly. If I did not learn the right lesson from each life experience, who can I blame for that but yours truly?

I have to learn to be content living this anonymous life. (Yeah, you know my name, you know how I look, but do you think you really know me?)I remember when I was a kid, I actually believed that the moon followed us everywhere. It was such a great feeling. Somewhere along the line, life just got too darned complicated.

I know this is as random as it can get. I was supposed to be out running with friends just now. But sonny boy is feeling under the weather. He looked at me imploringly with his puppy dog eyes and asked me  to stay. So I did. And now he’s fast asleep . Brat!

Here I am-rambling on. Thank heavens it’s time to get to work now. Working on Saturdays ain't that bad!