No running!

This is not a post about running. This is more a post about my love story with running. Reading about anything I may write about running will benefit no one .

My reasons for running are personal and emotional.I run more to become a better person than a better runner.How clichéd I sound! How ‘holier than thou'. I embarrass me!

However running has given me so much and affected my life so positively  in the last couple of years that running will creep into whatever I say or write,whether I want it to or not! 

I have become more aware of my own self since I learnt  to run with my heart (what are you saying..you run with your legs?;))).I can laugh, cry, sing, curse and go through the entire gamut of emotions on a long solo run-on my best days and on my worst!

I have become a more confident and complete person since I started running.The joys of running that I have experienced,I would not trade for anything in life.If I feel lost at any given time,all I need to do is get out and go for a run and I find “yours truly” back!

Running is my go-to thing! Life is better because I run. I may not be able to prove this to you scientifically but believe me you, I have no reason to be anything but honest while describing the one activity in my life that I engage in ONLY for myself and for my own well being! Running is very important for me,simply put;)

Why am  I getting all emotional about running today? Well, because I am hurting-physically!

I was a pacer for the 2:10 bus at the recently concluded ADHM 2015. I was nursing a shin injury/impact injury/IT band injury(the diagnosis is still differential!) for a while and was hurting considerably. Better sense demanded I don’t run at all. But I was not going to back out at the last moment from my responsibility.Had I not committed to pacing,I probably would not have run(or so I want to believe;))

Anyways, I popped a few pain killers from the night before and was at my designated line up section on time for the race , my smile and pacer flag in place! Chatting with co runners and friends and feeling the excitement around me, all was hunky dory; and I ran easy till  km 7 .Then the pain came back with a bang! I ran through the pain literally. Cheering for others and helping them maintain the required pace made it easy because it kind of took my mind off my pain.As long as I ran those 21.09 kms,I felt pretty brave.

Once the run was over and I started walking,the tables turned on me.I could barely walk.I hurt more than I ever have in so many years of running religiously. I limped my way through the post race rituals (read -medal,refreshment,pictures).I celebrated till late evening with all my awesome runner friends who had clocked personal best times and were on a high.I was happy for them and me. So the pain still seemed bearable.

This morning was different though.I hurt so much!The pills are not helping!The self-pep talks are not helping either.

I don’t want to limp,I don’t care if I can’t run some races but I don’t want to 'not run' for long.I want to cry,not because of the physical pain but because I already see a cranky and sad me in the next few days. I feel restless AND helpless just now.

Running is my meditation and its come to a halt for now. So,I am going to face the repercussions.

I have to brace myself for the inevitable-REST! 

I have to learn to use my head as often as my heart.I don’t know how to swim,but I jump into the river bravely and then panic, gasp for breath and shout for help in despair.How silly can I get?

This was my first major suicide  run.If someone can save me,I will be more sensible in future.That is a promise I make to myself! SOS!

The doctor’s appointment is at 6.30 this evening.I hope he can come up with a miracle quick fix cure for me!

P.S- Doctor's appointment done.Shin splits I'm told.The doctor is incapable of working miracles!No running for at least six weeks I’m told. That seems like forever!

Six weeks forever:(

I'm sorry!

I hereby extend a public apology to all my friends,foes,family,acquaintances and loved ones for having hurt you at any point of time in my life.I probably just did what felt right to me at that point of time but I did end up hurting you in the process.I ought to have been more sensitive towards your feelings.

I do get so so angry so many times.I get impatient and react rashly to a given situation.Its another matter that I regret the same almost immediately.But well..I lose my temper again and the vicious cycle goes on! There's no saying I will not hurt anyone again.There's no saying I will not regret again.The roller coaster is always more exciting than the staid ride after all;) Be it with our emotions,be it with life per se.The adrenaline rush??

No,I did not get a vision last night.I haven't  evolved as a human being overnight;)I just woke up (Yessss,I slept!Albeit with a few strange happenings in my dreams!) feeling a little more at peace than yesterday.And as the day progressed and I got on with my routine,I just ended up counting my blessings all over again!

So even as I ramble here,I smile thinking how silly I am to be judging people,despite myself.I cannot understand anyone's situation truly just like no one can understand mine.Yet ,day after day,I judge people knowingly or unknowingly.Chances are that when I am hating you,or getting annoyed with you,it may not be about you at all.It may be my own  insecurities,my own jealousies,my own issues really.

 So this note of apology is unconditional.It goes out for my past actions and for the future ones as well(anticipatory bail;)).I know I am not infallible,I know I will err again.But today I feel happy knowing I'm not holding a grudge against anyone at this moment of time.I do not wish to hurt you or anyone else in any way and add to your list of woes!(Now don't tell me you evolved into higher mortals sometime back and have no sorrows whatsoever??)

I am good!I am bad! I am only human!
Just like you. Just like everyone else!!!
The heart has a head of it's own.You cannot fight it!So try to believe me when I say I'm sorry.
This apology was due-for now!

Let it be

There's a lot of conflict in my mind.Despite all the experience of years I keep allowing the conflicts in my mind to rule my life.

I am strong! Oh , I know I am...when I feel or seem vulnerable, its by choice. I like to be overwhelmed by my emotions.There was  a time in life when I thought being vulnerable was a sign of weakness. No more so.What's the big idea of so many emotions , if one has to be in control all the time.

So I am learning to let my emotions take centre stage and I have sent the all practical me to go  take a hike.I am allowing my emotions to run wild!As a result I am happier but I hurt more, I feel more love but  I cry more, I want to do more good but I feel helpless !

So many times I reach out to strangers (read my poor and underprivileged patients) because I feel a strong urge to do so! The power of a hug  or smile shared with them is limitless. It stays with me for a long long time.We don't owe each other anything emotionally. So many times, I don't even recognise them again later. Their faces and names become obscure after sometime but the surge of emotions stay for quite a while.

I spoke to a guy on the road recently who is apparently a certified loony. The kind of belief he had in what he thought was right was amazing.I was jealous of him. Because he is crazy, he's free! We are just prisoners of our own thoughts really!

I am an emotional buffoon. And I like me that way! I like that trip.I am an addict;)

When I have tried explaining these things to some of my friends ,they thought I needed therapy:)They are well meaning friends I know! Its just that they want me to be in control.Prim and propah,follow the norms,live the mundane existence,merge with the crowd,follow the rules set by society and breathe on! Because that is the best way to be! So easy:) I understand that-I do not need a therapist to explain that to me.I am not really wonky wonky  you know(though a part of me wishes I was!).

Ok the point is-I just don't wish to be in control all the time any more.

You think I'm just taking the easier way out .No ways! It not easy to let it be! Its human nature to try to be in control,to try to safeguard oneself from being hurt,emotionally as much as physically. We all have the ability to let go actually-to let go,to grieve ,to release attachments and move on with our lives.Since everything is temporary,humans are all gifted with the capacity to let go.

Conflict persists. For so many things, a part of me wants to let go, a part of me wants to hold on.These opposing desires cause me distress, yes! But isn't feeling distress in the scheme of things too?

This is where I want to let it be...let the conflicts be.I don't want to fight them for now.I can, its just that I don't want to.You may want to call it lack of motivation.But I just want to let it be!

Live and let live!One day at a time!

Ok the point again is-its not mandate to be happy all the time.It really is not!

Am I happy? Happy people don't write these weird things?Happy people write happy happy:)

But what is happiness really?Are the laws of happiness made 'for' us or 'by' us.As far as I can see- integrity,self respect ,authenticity and honor are the only things which are immutable.One can never be truly happy without these.

But there is conflict in my mind even as I say that.There is the voice of "sabotage " which wants to settle for less than  these  sometimes.Why ?Because I am human. Because it's alright to be confused,because it's alright to be having these conflicting thoughts.

I haven't  mastered the art of 'letting it be' yet-I am a work in progress.I am training my mind  to let love,attachments,needs,desires ,sorrow,everything to just take over-Que Sera Sera! I want to live free! I am absconding from that imminent  and omnipresent arrest warrant for not wanting to follow the rules!

Destiny and karma to rule my life-by default! Makes the journey less arduous:)

I went out cycling this morning.Flat tyre after riding a few kilometres - my cycle and I had to hitch a ride back home in an auto rickshaw. Workout cut short...so I ramble on!!!

People-be jealous of me;) I am drunk on my thoughts:)

Just another night!

It’s going to be a long night. Why? It’s my gut feeling! It’s been sometime since I have slept long hours at a stretch.

I want to do something worthwhile in life, but I don’t yet know where to start. High time, huh? Spoken like a weakling, you think? But I am a strong woman, mind you. I can smile through my woes; I can even laugh gregariously through them ;) I suspect I might have fooled many into thinking I am the happiest person around. Life itself is contradictory. So don’t blame me alone!

Tonight as I lie awake, like many other nights, I wonder if I am doing justice to this precious gift of life.Tonight again,as I lie awake taking stock of my life , I come to a dead end! I try to keep a clear conscience. I consciously work towards that.I don't want sympathy from anyone. I don't want to be served anything on a platter.I want to earn whatever it is that I deserve! Why then can’t I sleep as the world sleeps?

Recently, I was on a flight to another city to run an ultra marathon (yes, I have learned the trick to stay on my feet for very long hours ;) I will write about that another day!As always, I look out of the window in the aircraft and marvel at how far the ground appears and how beautiful the clouds look. So far so good. The next thing that comes to my mind is, I wish I was on a flight to oblivion instead, leading me to a horizon I did not recognize. I look out of the window again. No clouds, just clear blue skies! Have I really boarded that flight (of fancy)?

Fat chance. I know where I am going. I know why I am going there. I know the friends I am going to meet there. In fact I have it all planned, sorted and in place. And it was a good fun trip!

The mind, however, stays restless through the night. Something is amiss. I am not special. I keep blundering through life. I learn from my mistakes. I carry on. I have some romantic notions about life and how I want it to be .I have some wishes and desires which will never see the light of day. But that’s alright. Life is under no obligation to fulfil all my desires. I am not special.

I have experienced everything in abundance-love, respect, fear, sorrow. I have enough to live a comfortable life and more than enough to feel more blessed than many. I have no reason to complain!

But I am still searching for some answers:)

Welcome to my world! Do I make any sense? Does this all sound insane? Isn't sanity a trifle too overrated ?

Tomorrow is another day. Maybe I will wake up (pun intended!) wiser and do more justice to my life and times. Que sera sera.

My middle name is contradiction (and I change my middle name frequently-beware!)

You chose to read this-I was only thinking aloud;)

 I'll get there one day:

, I find myself wondering what I am doing with my life!I want to do something worthwhile but I don't know where to start!High time, huh?Tonight, like many other nights, I lie awake trying to take stock of my life and once again I reach a dead end.What am I doing with this precious gift of life?Ah, another weakling,you think!Hey, but I am a strong woman mind you.I can smile through my sorrows(even laugh gregariously through them;) and I suspect I have fooled many into thinking I am the happiest person around! Life itself is contradictory; don't just blame me!

I have had an easy life so far, lived my life the way I want to.The way I  have been treated by the people I have allowed access to in my life is also solely my doing.If they have treated me well, I deserved it; if they have treated me shoddily , I totally deserved it! I believe in destiny, I believe in karma-there isn't much else to rely on really! Everything else is so temporary!

Tonight, again, I just want to be at peace with myself and my surroundings.I want to believe I have a clear conscience and I try to work towards that.Why then do I feel so restless; why can't I sleep while the world sleeps?

Recently, I was on a flight to another city to run an ultra marathon(yes,I ha, as always , as to how distant the ground appeared and how beautiful the clouds looked.So far so good! The next thought that crossed my mind was , I wish I was  on a flight to oblivion instead, leading me to a horizon I would not recognize. I look out of the window again and now I see no clouds, just the clear blue sky.Where am I going? Have I really boarded that flight(of fancy)?

Fat chance.I know where I am going ,I know why I am going there,I know the friends I'll be meeting.I have it all planned,sorted and in place.And it was a good fun trip!

I am not special.I have many wishes and desires which I know may never see the light of day.But that is okay.Life is under no obligation to fulfil all my wishes.I am just another mortal with romantic notions about life and how I want it to be .I blunder through life, get some things right,get many things wrong.I learn my lessons . I carry on. I am not special.

I do not want things to be served to me on a platter either.I want to earn whatever it is I deserve.I do not want sympathy from anyone.I want to look at myself in the mirror and feel worthy.Some days, I do not feel so worthy .Tonight, I do not want to look at myself in the mirror.

I have got everything in abundance.Love, respect, enough to live a comfortable life and more than enough to realise I may be more blessed than many.

Why,then is the mind so restless? Do I make sense? Do I sound insane? Does everything have to make sense? Is living by the norm and doing the mundane the only way to a peaceful existence? Isn't sanity a trifle too overrated?

Welcome to my world. My middle name is contradiction(I keep changing my middle name-beware!)

I let destiny and karma take charge of my life-by default!I do not know