Just another night!

It’s going to be a long night. Why? It’s my gut feeling! It’s been sometime since I have slept long hours at a stretch.

I want to do something worthwhile in life, but I don’t yet know where to start. High time, huh? Spoken like a weakling, you think? But I am a strong woman, mind you. I can smile through my woes; I can even laugh gregariously through them ;) I suspect I might have fooled many into thinking I am the happiest person around. Life itself is contradictory. So don’t blame me alone!

Tonight as I lie awake, like many other nights, I wonder if I am doing justice to this precious gift of life.Tonight again,as I lie awake taking stock of my life , I come to a dead end! I try to keep a clear conscience. I consciously work towards that.I don't want sympathy from anyone. I don't want to be served anything on a platter.I want to earn whatever it is that I deserve! Why then can’t I sleep as the world sleeps?

Recently, I was on a flight to another city to run an ultra marathon (yes, I have learned the trick to stay on my feet for very long hours ;) I will write about that another day!As always, I look out of the window in the aircraft and marvel at how far the ground appears and how beautiful the clouds look. So far so good. The next thing that comes to my mind is, I wish I was on a flight to oblivion instead, leading me to a horizon I did not recognize. I look out of the window again. No clouds, just clear blue skies! Have I really boarded that flight (of fancy)?

Fat chance. I know where I am going. I know why I am going there. I know the friends I am going to meet there. In fact I have it all planned, sorted and in place. And it was a good fun trip!

The mind, however, stays restless through the night. Something is amiss. I am not special. I keep blundering through life. I learn from my mistakes. I carry on. I have some romantic notions about life and how I want it to be .I have some wishes and desires which will never see the light of day. But that’s alright. Life is under no obligation to fulfil all my desires. I am not special.

I have experienced everything in abundance-love, respect, fear, sorrow. I have enough to live a comfortable life and more than enough to feel more blessed than many. I have no reason to complain!

But I am still searching for some answers:)

Welcome to my world! Do I make any sense? Does this all sound insane? Isn't sanity a trifle too overrated ?

Tomorrow is another day. Maybe I will wake up (pun intended!) wiser and do more justice to my life and times. Que sera sera.

My middle name is contradiction (and I change my middle name frequently-beware!)

You chose to read this-I was only thinking aloud;)

 I'll get there one day:

, I find myself wondering what I am doing with my life!I want to do something worthwhile but I don't know where to start!High time, huh?Tonight, like many other nights, I lie awake trying to take stock of my life and once again I reach a dead end.What am I doing with this precious gift of life?Ah, another weakling,you think!Hey, but I am a strong woman mind you.I can smile through my sorrows(even laugh gregariously through them;) and I suspect I have fooled many into thinking I am the happiest person around! Life itself is contradictory; don't just blame me!

I have had an easy life so far, lived my life the way I want to.The way I  have been treated by the people I have allowed access to in my life is also solely my doing.If they have treated me well, I deserved it; if they have treated me shoddily , I totally deserved it! I believe in destiny, I believe in karma-there isn't much else to rely on really! Everything else is so temporary!

Tonight, again, I just want to be at peace with myself and my surroundings.I want to believe I have a clear conscience and I try to work towards that.Why then do I feel so restless; why can't I sleep while the world sleeps?

Recently, I was on a flight to another city to run an ultra marathon(yes,I ha, as always , as to how distant the ground appeared and how beautiful the clouds looked.So far so good! The next thought that crossed my mind was , I wish I was  on a flight to oblivion instead, leading me to a horizon I would not recognize. I look out of the window again and now I see no clouds, just the clear blue sky.Where am I going? Have I really boarded that flight(of fancy)?

Fat chance.I know where I am going ,I know why I am going there,I know the friends I'll be meeting.I have it all planned,sorted and in place.And it was a good fun trip!

I am not special.I have many wishes and desires which I know may never see the light of day.But that is okay.Life is under no obligation to fulfil all my wishes.I am just another mortal with romantic notions about life and how I want it to be .I blunder through life, get some things right,get many things wrong.I learn my lessons . I carry on. I am not special.

I do not want things to be served to me on a platter either.I want to earn whatever it is I deserve.I do not want sympathy from anyone.I want to look at myself in the mirror and feel worthy.Some days, I do not feel so worthy .Tonight, I do not want to look at myself in the mirror.

I have got everything in abundance.Love, respect, enough to live a comfortable life and more than enough to realise I may be more blessed than many.

Why,then is the mind so restless? Do I make sense? Do I sound insane? Does everything have to make sense? Is living by the norm and doing the mundane the only way to a peaceful existence? Isn't sanity a trifle too overrated?

Welcome to my world. My middle name is contradiction(I keep changing my middle name-beware!)

I let destiny and karma take charge of my life-by default!I do not know