Let it be

There's a lot of conflict in my mind.Despite all the experience of years I keep allowing the conflicts in my mind to rule my life.

I am strong! Oh , I know I am...when I feel or seem vulnerable, its by choice. I like to be overwhelmed by my emotions.There was  a time in life when I thought being vulnerable was a sign of weakness. No more so.What's the big idea of so many emotions , if one has to be in control all the time.

So I am learning to let my emotions take centre stage and I have sent the all practical me to go  take a hike.I am allowing my emotions to run wild!As a result I am happier but I hurt more, I feel more love but  I cry more, I want to do more good but I feel helpless !

So many times I reach out to strangers (read my poor and underprivileged patients) because I feel a strong urge to do so! The power of a hug  or smile shared with them is limitless. It stays with me for a long long time.We don't owe each other anything emotionally. So many times, I don't even recognise them again later. Their faces and names become obscure after sometime but the surge of emotions stay for quite a while.

I spoke to a guy on the road recently who is apparently a certified loony. The kind of belief he had in what he thought was right was amazing.I was jealous of him. Because he is crazy, he's free! We are just prisoners of our own thoughts really!

I am an emotional buffoon. And I like me that way! I like that trip.I am an addict;)

When I have tried explaining these things to some of my friends ,they thought I needed therapy:)They are well meaning friends I know! Its just that they want me to be in control.Prim and propah,follow the norms,live the mundane existence,merge with the crowd,follow the rules set by society and breathe on! Because that is the best way to be! So easy:) I understand that-I do not need a therapist to explain that to me.I am not really wonky wonky  you know(though a part of me wishes I was!).

Ok the point is-I just don't wish to be in control all the time any more.

You think I'm just taking the easier way out .No ways! It not easy to let it be! Its human nature to try to be in control,to try to safeguard oneself from being hurt,emotionally as much as physically. We all have the ability to let go actually-to let go,to grieve ,to release attachments and move on with our lives.Since everything is temporary,humans are all gifted with the capacity to let go.

Conflict persists. For so many things, a part of me wants to let go, a part of me wants to hold on.These opposing desires cause me distress, yes! But isn't feeling distress in the scheme of things too?

This is where I want to let it be...let the conflicts be.I don't want to fight them for now.I can, its just that I don't want to.You may want to call it lack of motivation.But I just want to let it be!

Live and let live!One day at a time!

Ok the point again is-its not mandate to be happy all the time.It really is not!

Am I happy? Happy people don't write these weird things?Happy people write happy happy:)

But what is happiness really?Are the laws of happiness made 'for' us or 'by' us.As far as I can see- integrity,self respect ,authenticity and honor are the only things which are immutable.One can never be truly happy without these.

But there is conflict in my mind even as I say that.There is the voice of "sabotage " which wants to settle for less than  these  sometimes.Why ?Because I am human. Because it's alright to be confused,because it's alright to be having these conflicting thoughts.

I haven't  mastered the art of 'letting it be' yet-I am a work in progress.I am training my mind  to let love,attachments,needs,desires ,sorrow,everything to just take over-Que Sera Sera! I want to live free! I am absconding from that imminent  and omnipresent arrest warrant for not wanting to follow the rules!

Destiny and karma to rule my life-by default! Makes the journey less arduous:)

I went out cycling this morning.Flat tyre after riding a few kilometres - my cycle and I had to hitch a ride back home in an auto rickshaw. Workout cut short...so I ramble on!!!

People-be jealous of me;) I am drunk on my thoughts:)