Miss Munchkin

I spent the last two days with my son, my cousin sister and her adorable little daughter in a resort near Delhi. I wanted to be away from my regular place of inhabitance, away from answering the door bell, away from thinking about the grocery or the next meal to get ready , away from the instructions to be given to the hired helps.I would have preferred going away to the hills somewhere! But we had only so much time and resources just now! I just wanted to go away. And am I glad I did!!!

I couldn’t have thought of better company than my li’l sister. But what a surprise package my munchkin of a niece was. She beat my sis hollow as far as company goes! I was meeting Inki after a while and at 6 years of age, the kind of intelligent conversation she can now hold  and the way she speaks was amazing. I just spent the entire time falling in love with her!!!

Sample this when I asked her to speak extempore about heaven (my son made a video, so I am repeating this verbatimJ)

When you go to heaven you can’t see the world. You can live in a beautiful place full of angels. Even God lives there. And do you know a fact about heaven? To get to heaven , you must not go by an aeroplane because heaven is not around the world.It is on top of your head. Some people of your family who have died already go to heaven sometimes. Like if they get so sick, or they get hurt or get old. So thats the kind of thing that gets you to heaven. Imagine if you were riding a thing, and fell into a heater, you would die and go to heaven. All the people who go to heaven become angels.............so thats what the facts I know about heaven!

Yeah,WUTEVA!!!! Falling in love is easy!

I have always loved kids and I remember when I was in middle school, I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher when I grew up, just so I could be around little children. Being around them kids brings out the best in me. I can actually forget everything else when I am with the little angels.

That also brings me to why I didnot end up becoming a KG teacher. No, I don’t regret being a dentist. I have learnt to enjoy my work, thankfully! But, being a KG teacher wasn’t in the reckoning when I was young when you could try being a doctor or an engineer instead; those were rules that were not spelled out but understood. It just wasn’t an option I was allowed to seriously consider. It seems like a different lifetime now, but I don’t know where that wish just got quashed like so many others and life led me to other roads that I was destined to take.

I hope that circumstances will allow my son to follow his heart more in life! I hope he won’t feel pressurised by anyone’s expectations, least of all mine!

While sis and me talked through the night, long  after the kids had gone to sleep, I told her as I grow older, I feel I am done with most of my life. Been there ,done that really. I don’t want to tire myself making plans for my future anymore. Plans and dreams have a way of going haywire. I just want to live one day at a time.

But , like Miss Munchkin kept saying ‘you know, in my head I can see.....’ !!!

In my head, I can still see things that are not likely to happen or are far far away from the reality of my life. In my mind, I distance myself from my reality!!! In my mind, I can’t let go of my dreams! The child in me lives on!

Life goes on! Fairy tales, realities, nightmares all hand in hand!!!

I don’t know what else is in store for me. But I no longer want to follow no Mr.Clicketty Cane while he plays his silly game! I don’t want to follow the trend, do what is expected of me, be a copy cat! It’s about time I breathe easy and stay content being myself. Comfortable in my skin....is that what it’s called?

Have you heard the Clicketty Cane song though? I heard it for the first time thanks to Miss Munchkin again!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8yOGLD4PLU

I just heard firecrackers outside! Its a new calendar year! Hallelujah!!!

Run Forrest Run

 I sat and watched “Forrest Gump” this afternoon.I can’t remember when I had watched it the first time-must have been donkey years back!! Anyways, I think I watched the movie in a different light today.I must have emptied a box of tissues crying ,the emotional buffoon that I am! When I reached the part when he starts "running on empty",I was practically inconsolable.Thank heavens, I was watching the movie alone,  in my room, on my laptop!!

I am smitten by Forrest Gump’s running. Can you really outrun your emotions? Can you run till you shed all your sorrows, till you are too tired to be happy or sad or to hold on to your grudges? Can you? I cannot imagine anything better really. Just ‘decide to go for a run for no particular reason’ and end of the run (however long the run may be), come back sans the baggage that weighs you down!!

 Running on empty

“Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
Looking back at the years gone by like so many summer fields
In sixty-five I was seventeen and running up one-o-one
I don't know where I'm running now, I'm just running on

Running on - running on empty
Running on - running blind
Running on - running into the sun
But I'm running behind

Gotta do what you can just to keep your love alive
Trying not to confuse it with what you do to survive
In sixty-nine I was twenty-one and I called the road my own
I don't know when that road turned onto the road I'm on

Running on - running on empty
Running on - running blind                                      
Running on - running into the sun
But I'm running behind

Everyone I know, everywhere I go
People need some reason to believe
I don't know about anyone but me
If it takes all night, that'll be all right
If I can get you to smile before I leave

Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels
I look around for the friends that I used to turn to to pull me through
Looking into their eyes I see them running too

Running on - running on empty
Running on - running blind
Running on - running into the sun
But I'm running behind

Honey you really tempt me
You know the way you look so kind
I'd love to stick around but I'm running behind
You know I don't even know what I'm hoping to find
Running into the sun but I'm running behind.”

I think Forrest finds a solution to his problems for just one reason-he thinks simple!

Life really isn't so complicated. Just listen to the people who love you, love the people you love (even if they don’t love you back always!), keep your promises, do not be a fair weather friend, be truthful, do good without expecting anything in return. And if despite all that , things get a li’l too tough and out of hand, just go for a really really long run!!!

 Only if your conscience is clear are you really sorted. But it’s a big deal mind you- having a clear conscience. You can lie to the whole world, but you can’t lie to yourself ! It’s the little things in life that tide you over finally, tide you over really tough situations sometimes!

Maybe one needs to be stupid (like Forrest) to be smart enough to learn to be simple and sorted and happy. Like Ernest Hemmingway says “Happiness in intelligent people is one of the rarest things I know”!

Forrest is supposedly stupid and it’s a blessing in disguise for him. He knows people think he is stupid and wants to be smart like everyone else too. He feels as much as any intelligent fool. It’s just that he doesn’t have any qualms in admitting that he feels lonely ,that he feels scared many times, that he misses the people he misses. He thinks a lot too. He hasn’t got anything figured either, he doesn’t know anything about hope and big time life lessons! But he follows his heart!

You need gumption to follow your heart ; just do your thing even if the world thinks it’s stupid. It’s easy to join the bandwagon, merge with the crowd and live according to the laid down rules.

You have to put the past behind before you can move on. Or else you can run all you want, run till you die-to no avail!

Even if you are not worldly wise (read smart),it doesn’t take much to love and live. All you need  is a good sound heart (naah, not just medically!)

I am inspired by someone (thing) or the other all the time. For today, its Forrest’s simplicity. I want to uncomplicate. I need to revive my faith in goodness once more. Goodness exists and is all around us. It’s not a fairy tale thing. It’s just that I have to learn to find and see it more often! The guest appearances don’t suffice anymore!

Thank you Forrest!

                              

                              

The Woolly Mammoth

Last Saturday I went to be part of the Woolly Mammoth Project organised by  ROPIO (Reach Out and Pass It On) Foundation. A runner buddy is involved with the organization and had sent in an invite.Since the place was right near where I work and since I had no patient appointments for the day, I sneaked out of the workplace to see what the project was all about. Basically I didn't go into much trouble.

I'm glad I went there. It was a Saturday morning well spent.

I live on hope. Just meeting people who want to make a difference is  encouraging.I am  writing this post  to share my experience from that day!

So, ROPIO had collected woollens/clothes for the needy and sent out teams of 4-5 people to go and meet people living on the streets in various locations,talk and interact with them, give them the clothes.The idea was to get to understand the life that these homeless people live-what keeps them going,reach out to them somehow!

As Murphy (President at ROPIO) very candidly stated-this one day interaction would do nothing to help those poor families. We just helped them pass an hour or so probably. We were entertainment for them for that morning. It was more for 'us'  to feel good about ourselves. But that's okay:) 

Along with three youngsters ,Akash,Nalini and Sushmita we went to meet  a couple of families who have been living under and around the flyover near Rajdhani College in West Delhi. At least one lady, who is a grandmother herself said her parents also lived and died there.So if we are to believe that, we are talking of the 4th generation living homeless in that location!!We call them homeless,but they refer to that place as home:)All these people are originally from the state of Rajasthan. They said they've been living there long before the flyovers, metro and other fancies came up.

For a livelihood, the men folk and some of the womenfolk do the age old business of going house to house, collecting old clothes in exchange for plastic containers/steel utensils.Thankfully ,there's a night shelter right opposite the flyover under which they live-and they are allowed to go to this shelter and use their wash rooms, bathe and get water.Small mercies!

They cook food in the typical "3 pieces of brick" kind of stove. Fuel used is mostly cardboards and broken pieces of furniture picked from here and there.They are blissfully unaware of pollution and the impending doom!

They live a day to day existence of course. Any food is a feast and when I asked what was for lunch-they said “whatever the men folk will bring from the mandi we will cook and eat!”Simple!

One or two from the family stay up and guard the others as they sleep in the open at night, be it summer or winter .The flock /pack stays together:)They believe no one can do them any harm!

The first woman we approached was way too wary to talk to us-there was  fear and suspicion in her eyes as she tried to somehow make her two malnourished infant children feel warm by wrapping them up in clothes,cuddling them and holding them tight.

Later, as I tried to cajole her to talk to us, from a distance, she pointed at her husband and signalled to let me know that he didn't take kindly to her talking to anybody and hit her regularly.Though I am no one to judge, her husband looked like he could be under the influence of some drugs too!

There were children in dozens. Each couple had at least three or more with some more on the way.Most of them were bare feet, scantily dressed and ill equipped to brave the chilly winter morning, looked  unkempt with running noses et al and were left free to fend for themselves, under that flyover-even the toddlers. I have no idea how they stay safe in the middle of all that traffic. Survival of the fittest :)

There was one family who was dressed cleaner ,looked healthier and smiled more.They told us they don't talk to the rest of the folks staying there as they had some “fight” with them.

Some positives I brought back.There was a young girl ,probably as old as my son( 12 years),heating a tin full of water.When I asked what it was for,she said it was for her to bathe as it was too cold.Thank heavens she would not freeze while bathing for today at least:)

There was one pregnant woman who looked ever so pretty wearing a big nose pin. When we asked her where she got it from she proudly announced it was made of gold and was worth 5.3 k and she bought it from Karol Bagh! Thank heaven's she had something to show off:)

The little older kids apparently go to a nearby Government school (they said that was possible only because they finally have aadhar cards now).When I asked them to show me their books and work done..one girl ,all of 9 or 10 years proudly flaunted her notebooks -Maths,English ,Drawing-she had a very neat handwriting and had copied things from the blackboard in class.She had no idea what she had written though:( All I could tell her was to hound her teacher to explain to her what she was writing! The naughtier ones,the boys, wanted to flaunt their books too but didn't have much to show.There were just random scribblings on their notebooks. Even an older boy,maybe 15-16 years of age ,wanted to show he can draw well and was very pleased when I tried my hand at drawing something in his notebook!

Eventually,when we distributed the woollens/clothes we had taken for them...as expected everyone just pounced on them and crowded around Akash  as he tried to go about it in a more civilised manner.When life is such a big struggle,you have to grab/snatch things to survive. Its survival of the fittest all the way.

We wondered later, if they would actually wear any of those clothes or sell them off somewhere for a meal! Anyway,as long as they proved useful to them somehow, our purpose was served! Its not our place to judge them for ANYTHING at all!

Later,I just ended up marvelling at the will to survive in every human being-despite all odds. In that short interaction we saw it all-the hopelessness of life on the other side!

Some people have so much, yet they stay unhappy. And some have nothing-but the struggle to breathe and eat keeps them from worrying about other things. These people don’t worry about a future-they just live day to day-the next meal precisely! It’s unfair-this whole system! All born on this planet, all made of flesh and blood, yet disparity infinite. Such is life-unfair to say the least! 

But yes, that Saturday, I  counted my blessings all over again and thanked my stars.All the things we take for granted in life are just a dream or may be beyond imagination even for so many of our fellow beings.

At  ROPIO per se,I was hugely impressed to see so many college going youngsters turning up  to be part of the Woolly Mammoth Project. They could very well have been mall hopping, watching a movie and making merry on a Saturday morning. But here they were, participating in something that made way more sense,according to me!

It was heart warming to see the college kids there. Maybe some or many of them will end up doing more for the society and needy people at large!

Amen!

Bring it on!

You win some, you lose some. 

And then there comes a stage in life when you no longer care whether you win or lose. You just want to be happy with your lot....content with what you have, not aspiring for more .

You want to make people around you happy and not care about yourself anymore. You are just at peace with yourself and you don’t care if you are not good enough for the people you love. 

The moment you start thinking of what YOU want and don’t want for yourself, the whole game gets complicated and nasty. Because that’s one journey where you never reach the destination I guess!

You can be happy buying material things, amassing wealth, hoarding up for the future, going on holidays, binging , drinking and making merry. But it’s all so temporary. You just want to while your time and believe you are having a good time. That is the core of your existence-to think you are happy.To do things that bring you happiness for now.

 And its all fair and good enough-life is just that-keeping yourself busy,on a day to day basis,doing things you are expected to do,believing in things you were brought up to believe. You convince youself and find meaningful explanations for your actions-right or wrong(who decided that anyways!).That’s how we are made-human beings,the higher mortals,the smartest creatures on earth(or so we want to believe!)

But ,in your lonely times, sometimes you will reminisce about your past and smile,sometimes you will brood  over how you got a worse deal than others(you don’t know their story ,mind you! You just THINK you got the worst deal!).You feel sorry for yourself because you think you deserve better.You believe you are more awesome than others.

Reality is actually simple! We are all the same.Each one of us with the weaknesses we fiercely guard,so that the world can’t see us for what we are.Each one of us living a farce, fooling the world and ourselves into believing we are more deserving than others!

Tonight I just want to free my heart and mind of longings and hurts .I don’t care if I don’t wake up in the morning tomorrow.I don’t care if I live or die.I just want to sleep and fly in my dreams...into the sky,like a free bird,without a care! I don’t want to fly back to the safety of my nest.Frankly speaking,I don’t even want a nest.I just want to fly!!!Fly up and away,free of my affectations,free of my own expectations of myself-just FREE!I am growing wings  tonight and taking that flight of fancyJ

P.S- I dozed/flew off scribbling all that last night and then landed with a thud---literally!!!The lap top fell off my lap and brought me back to my reality. I’ll try flying again some other time:))

It's a new day again.I am ready to face it-bring it on!!!

I love you world!!!

Me no like!

Monday morning blues compounded by a running injury showing obstinate behaviour.What a terribly lethal combination.

I have let Mr MTSS know clearly-'you win,I lose' (for now,at least!). But he's having a good time annoying me, hurting me and making my life miserable.Its been two weeks and more and I'm still grimacing when I walk or even when I stand up.

I am not just frustrated.I am terribly annoyed with myself.I have been dumped unceremoniously into the rester's bench (?) with a big red time-out card to boot.I have reason to believe I was neither cautious nor smart enough and brought on this injury to myself.And that is making it worse:(

I have spent time thinking about how I brought on the injury and how I could have avoided it. Did I really think I could run one ultra after another without training well enough for such distances?(But,damn,I felt pretty okay post those runs-Bhatti Ultra 50k and the Bangalore Ultra 75k)

Did I ignore the pain when it first showed up?Did I do the necessary stretches ? No, I just stretched my luck too far and then ran out of it.The balloon just burst!!!Boom!

The mental game involved in trying to take this injury in my (wobbly) stride is getting to be quite an ordeal.Withdrawal symptoms?

I am over the denial stage now.I just didn't think it will get this bad when I went and ran/paced the ADHM 2015 in pain.I didn't think I would be able to run 21.097 kms with a MTSS. But the mind and body don't always work in tandem! I ran that half marathon and now I  can't even walk 20

metres without cringing.

Denial over.Acceptance now.I am reconciled to the fact that my favourite feel good activity is out of bounds for a long while now.Restlessness,anger,irritation,boredom,low self esteem are a few symptoms I can list off hand.As I plonk myself on my bed at home,trying to read the daily news,browse on the internet,read a random book,listen to some music,I just can't get the darned injury off my head.I go to work, get up from my chair only when I can't help it, keep my leg raised and curse myself!

My next stop will be to read about amateur runners like yours truly and their remarkable comeback stories.I am already  being reminded about the importance of staying positive through this time.

I am doing all that is required to be done.Been to the sports medicine doctor,got the MRI done,visiting a qualified physiotherapist,popping the calcium and anti inflammatory pills-the works!!!

I haven't been advised the exercises which I eventually will be,to be done in the confines of my home.Once I can stand on my feet without hurting,I will probably start doing some kettle bell training.When I am given the green signal by my doctor and my body, I will start cross training.That would essentially mean cycling a little.I can't swim and neither do I have access to a heated pool to indulge in fancy things like aqua running (I read there's something called an anti-gravity treadmill too!Ooooh!)

But I know none of this will satisfy me,because all I want to do is be on the road,in the park,on the trail ,on my feet-running! I don't want to run fast or run a race,I just want to run the way I like to,feel the endorphins rush,feel alive!!

By the way , I love Runner's World! It does manage to lift my spirit. Here's something I read this morning which made me smile!It's from an old 2010 article, but I guess it still makes sense.

In the mid-1970s, Runner's World medical editor George Sheehan, M.D., confirmed that he was hardly the only runner beset by injuries: A poll of the magazine's readers revealed that 60 percent reported chronic problems

 "One person in 100 is a motor genius," who doesn't have injuries, concluded the often-sidelined Sheehan. To describe himself and the rest of us, he turned to Ralph Waldo Emerson: "There is a crack in everything God has made." With all the amazing advancements in sports medicine, you'd think that our rates of shin splints and stress fractures would have dropped since Sheehan's era. But 30 years after running's first Big Boom, we continue to get hurt. A recent runnersworld.com poll revealed that 66 percent of respondents had suffered an injury in 2009.

Still, I figured medical science must have uncovered lots of little-known prevention secrets. So I went searching for them. After reviewing hundreds of published papers, I was surprised to find few answers. Most of the studies are retrospective, looking back. A few are prospective, looking forward. Even then, they're not the gold standard, which are randomized, controlled, double blind experiments. And conflicting results make it difficult to draw meaningful conclusions. I learned, for example, that running injuries can be caused by being female, being male, being old, being young, pronating too much, pronating too little, training too much, and training too little. Studies also indicate that the "wet test" doesn't help shoe selection, old shoes don't offer less cushioning than newer shoes, and leg-length discrepancies don't cause injuries (but too-little sleep does). Oh, here's good news: To get rid of blisters, you should drink less and smoke more.”

Hahaha!

Here's the link to the article if you want to read it:

http://www.runnersworld.com/health/the-10-laws-of-injury-prevention

Basically,running injuries are unavoidable and I am not unique.

But yes,I am once bitten twice shy.So I will be more careful in future and try to follow more of the “tips” on prevention of running injuries once this one is behind me.

I know I'll come out of this injury stronger and wiser!

But till such time, I will do what I can do best in the given circumstances-whine to my heart's content,get fat, be grumpy and be generally unhappy.

Period!

Me no like:(

P.S- MTSS is Medial Tibial Stress Syndrome

I'm worthy!

I tire of thinking! 

I lack that sense of self-worth every now and then.

This forced hiatus from running (thanks to my injury) has robbed me of my only sure shot way of redemption from my thoughts.I tried cycling the other day.But even that won’t work for me for a while.The physical pain has got the better of me for now!

I realise its good to have a plan B and I don’t have one. I am only a trifle worried I may lose what little fitness I had gained by running regularly but I am very worried I will lose my sanity (whatever I have  left of it) sooner this way! Since I don’t have a fall back option,the 24 hours in the day are seeming too long now.

I find myself dwelling upon my past and thinking about the days to come. I don’t like to go there-that abyss of my thoughts. Its not a very pleasant place to be in. Its the one place I  really don’t like to stay for long! And the more I try to distract myself from my injury and the fact that I have to REST for maybe a month or more and not run ,the more I go drowning in that abyss. Aaargh!

Apparently,everything we do in life has a selfish reason. Everything we do in life is to finally (consciously or sub consciously)  please our own selves. 

I am already too harsh on myself.Thinking that I do everything for selfish reasons does no good to my self esteem. I am such a teeny weeny speck in this huge mass of humanity,I really wonder what it is that I can do to make my journey on this planet worthwhile.I ought to find a way to do something worthwhile or at least start believing in my own worthiness somehow!

I have wonderful people in my life.I have been showered love and respect by people around me.I feel very lucky and blessed about that.But in my heart of hearts,I end up feeling undeserving of that love and respect even!

I feel time is passing by too soon.There is no knowing how long I breathe on.But I have been here long enough to have done something worthwhile by now. I don’t want to live hoping to tick off things from a fancy bucket list. By now, I ought to have had some sense of self worth and achievement under my belt.That satisfaction eludes me still and I don’t know how to change that .

My mind tells me to get out there and do something to feel better. I have had things easy in life,I have had things tough too.Life has been pretty much fair to me though I did get some raw deals in the way.But its okay-somehow or the other I have been rowing the boat  strong and sailing along quite well.

Why then this sense of worthlessness?I just want to get inside my head and change the settings .

Ctrl-Alt-Delete!!
Refresh!

Get a life woman! This is no chain of thought to follow on a  cold and dreary Saturday!

Taking sonny boy out to watch the 007 flick shortly.The pot pourri in the head can go take a hike for now!Amazing how scribbling these clumsy never ending thoughts has changed my mood for the better.Life goes on!

And it seems there's a way out as well;)))

Feisty me?

                                                     

Am I brave enough to face and accept my flaws myself? Yes!

Am I mature enough to face it without as much as flinching if someone else points out the same flaws to me? Nope!

Time to grow up! Well into the fourth decade of my life and here I am unable to own up and slow down.

Slow down, capture my bliss, take out time for myself without guilt, see humour in things that don’t go my way and yet be myself. Time to stop being a drama queen and own up to my own feisty, tough self! Too many years of being too nice takes its toll sometimes.

Do I need to be nice all the time? Nope!
I need to connect with the real spirited me!

And maybe I should set myself some goals (albeit short term!)-some spunky goals!

Why follow the herd? Why want things just because someone else has them? Why envy anyone at all?

Why think any less of my own awesome self just because someone pointed out a flaw in me (and happened to be right! Hell!) ?

I just need to kick the flaw out of my system and get tougher!

Then, I need to practice dealing differently with people and situations that upset /anger me. All I have to do is express my displeasure, my opinion etc in an unemotional way keeping in mind my spunky goals! Ta-Da!

But, tell you what-I like being nice. I revel in doing little things for others that will bring a smile to their face. Be it a stranger. I thrive on goodness. I believe in goodness. I live on hope. I believe this world is a good place!

I do end up being a mess when I confront myself. I like to give the benefit of doubt to every other person. But I don’t forgive myself easily. Does that mean I don’t love myself enough? Why do I feel bad/hurt if I realise I was taken for a ride by X, Y or Z despite my being nice to them? Does anyone owe it to me to behave the way I behaved with them?

I just need to be more cautious. Why let anyone take me on these rides in the first place? I seriously do need to connect with the feisty me!!

Will I not be nice then?
I will be!
I can give my own spirited opinion about things and yet be nice.
I need to stop doing things that I don’t like doing just to please others. I will still be nice!

All I now need to do is operate in such a manner through my days, so that when I lay myself down to sleep at night, my conscience is clear and I have no regrets. That’s only up to me. That is the only way I can hit the jackpot.

So easy ;)))

I am an ordinary person. But I am a very special person too! Take me or leave me. I am going to be myself.
In any case, I can only deal with one person at a time. So I am just going to be myself and deal with myself!
Everyone else is apparently taken anyways;)

Savouring the NOW

I want to learn to savour life. The present.I want to make the most of my time on this planet.
The only way I can do it is by losing track of my time here! Paradoxical ,yes!

I yearn for a somewhat elusive state of existence. I know I cannot will myself to love, to be happy or to sleep.The most I can do is set the stage, create the right ambience to fall in love, to be happy or to sleep.

My “monkey mind" jumps from thought to thought. I know,at the core of anything in life there is a paradox. Letting go of what I want is the only way to get it. Simple is so complicated! Phew!

"Buddha described the human mind as being filled with drunken monkeys, jumping around, screeching, chattering, carrying on endlessly. We all have monkey minds, Buddha said, with dozens of monkeys all clamouring for attention. Fear is an especially loud monkey, sounding the alarm incessantly, pointing out all the things we should be wary of and everything that could go wrong."

So as I sit idle this afternoon and let my mind wander yet again, I tell myself I want to stop this constant process of self-evaluation and this habit of getting lost in my mind. Because ,in my mind is where I make those critical evaluations that beat me up.

I want to live in the present. NOW. I don't want to think of the better coffee I had somewhere else while I'm sipping this coffee now.This coffee is good .Its all I need just now. The “Marie” biscuit I nibble on is good too and I quite like it. I don't care if I run out of this coffee or biscuit tomorrow. I have it here now and I like that.How profound :)

My thoughts are just  that- thoughts. Do I necessarily have to believe in them or do just as my thoughts say? Nope!

Have you ever zoned out? Like , I read a page in a book at times and I know I read every word on that page, but I have no idea, what it said. I tell the house-help to, say,fetch my laptop and he comes back with my phone, because I had actually told him to get the phone. That's only because, so many times, I am mindless to what I am doing at that moment.

Now, I want these blackouts to cease. I don't want life passing me by without registering on me. I want to see the world with fresh eyes(I am myopic as well as hypermetropic, by the way:)).

No, no---no eye surgery for me! I just want to savour even the realisation that almost everything is different each time- the way my son says good morning to me every day, the pattern of light on the buildings, the colour of the leaves on the plants in my house, the faces of people, even the feelings I experience along the way .

I want to develop my "beginner’s mind”.

“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.”

And mind you,this is not my future goal.

I am just making a conscious decision to pay attention to what’s happening at the present moment, become aware of the fact that I am breathing now. I am ALIVE just now! I am here. This is it. I am here. Nothing happens next. I am here.This is it. My destination is not tomorrow,it is  NOW!

No running!

This is not a post about running. This is more a post about my love story with running. Reading about anything I may write about running will benefit no one .

My reasons for running are personal and emotional.I run more to become a better person than a better runner.How clichéd I sound! How ‘holier than thou'. I embarrass me!

However running has given me so much and affected my life so positively  in the last couple of years that running will creep into whatever I say or write,whether I want it to or not! 

I have become more aware of my own self since I learnt  to run with my heart (what are you saying..you run with your legs?;))).I can laugh, cry, sing, curse and go through the entire gamut of emotions on a long solo run-on my best days and on my worst!

I have become a more confident and complete person since I started running.The joys of running that I have experienced,I would not trade for anything in life.If I feel lost at any given time,all I need to do is get out and go for a run and I find “yours truly” back!

Running is my go-to thing! Life is better because I run. I may not be able to prove this to you scientifically but believe me you, I have no reason to be anything but honest while describing the one activity in my life that I engage in ONLY for myself and for my own well being! Running is very important for me,simply put;)

Why am  I getting all emotional about running today? Well, because I am hurting-physically!

I was a pacer for the 2:10 bus at the recently concluded ADHM 2015. I was nursing a shin injury/impact injury/IT band injury(the diagnosis is still differential!) for a while and was hurting considerably. Better sense demanded I don’t run at all. But I was not going to back out at the last moment from my responsibility.Had I not committed to pacing,I probably would not have run(or so I want to believe;))

Anyways, I popped a few pain killers from the night before and was at my designated line up section on time for the race , my smile and pacer flag in place! Chatting with co runners and friends and feeling the excitement around me, all was hunky dory; and I ran easy till  km 7 .Then the pain came back with a bang! I ran through the pain literally. Cheering for others and helping them maintain the required pace made it easy because it kind of took my mind off my pain.As long as I ran those 21.09 kms,I felt pretty brave.

Once the run was over and I started walking,the tables turned on me.I could barely walk.I hurt more than I ever have in so many years of running religiously. I limped my way through the post race rituals (read -medal,refreshment,pictures).I celebrated till late evening with all my awesome runner friends who had clocked personal best times and were on a high.I was happy for them and me. So the pain still seemed bearable.

This morning was different though.I hurt so much!The pills are not helping!The self-pep talks are not helping either.

I don’t want to limp,I don’t care if I can’t run some races but I don’t want to 'not run' for long.I want to cry,not because of the physical pain but because I already see a cranky and sad me in the next few days. I feel restless AND helpless just now.

Running is my meditation and its come to a halt for now. So,I am going to face the repercussions.

I have to brace myself for the inevitable-REST! 

I have to learn to use my head as often as my heart.I don’t know how to swim,but I jump into the river bravely and then panic, gasp for breath and shout for help in despair.How silly can I get?

This was my first major suicide  run.If someone can save me,I will be more sensible in future.That is a promise I make to myself! SOS!

The doctor’s appointment is at 6.30 this evening.I hope he can come up with a miracle quick fix cure for me!

P.S- Doctor's appointment done.Shin splits I'm told.The doctor is incapable of working miracles!No running for at least six weeks I’m told. That seems like forever!

Six weeks forever:(

I'm sorry!

I hereby extend a public apology to all my friends,foes,family,acquaintances and loved ones for having hurt you at any point of time in my life.I probably just did what felt right to me at that point of time but I did end up hurting you in the process.I ought to have been more sensitive towards your feelings.

I do get so so angry so many times.I get impatient and react rashly to a given situation.Its another matter that I regret the same almost immediately.But well..I lose my temper again and the vicious cycle goes on! There's no saying I will not hurt anyone again.There's no saying I will not regret again.The roller coaster is always more exciting than the staid ride after all;) Be it with our emotions,be it with life per se.The adrenaline rush??

No,I did not get a vision last night.I haven't  evolved as a human being overnight;)I just woke up (Yessss,I slept!Albeit with a few strange happenings in my dreams!) feeling a little more at peace than yesterday.And as the day progressed and I got on with my routine,I just ended up counting my blessings all over again!

So even as I ramble here,I smile thinking how silly I am to be judging people,despite myself.I cannot understand anyone's situation truly just like no one can understand mine.Yet ,day after day,I judge people knowingly or unknowingly.Chances are that when I am hating you,or getting annoyed with you,it may not be about you at all.It may be my own  insecurities,my own jealousies,my own issues really.

 So this note of apology is unconditional.It goes out for my past actions and for the future ones as well(anticipatory bail;)).I know I am not infallible,I know I will err again.But today I feel happy knowing I'm not holding a grudge against anyone at this moment of time.I do not wish to hurt you or anyone else in any way and add to your list of woes!(Now don't tell me you evolved into higher mortals sometime back and have no sorrows whatsoever??)

I am good!I am bad! I am only human!
Just like you. Just like everyone else!!!
The heart has a head of it's own.You cannot fight it!So try to believe me when I say I'm sorry.
This apology was due-for now!

Let it be

There's a lot of conflict in my mind.Despite all the experience of years I keep allowing the conflicts in my mind to rule my life.

I am strong! Oh , I know I am...when I feel or seem vulnerable, its by choice. I like to be overwhelmed by my emotions.There was  a time in life when I thought being vulnerable was a sign of weakness. No more so.What's the big idea of so many emotions , if one has to be in control all the time.

So I am learning to let my emotions take centre stage and I have sent the all practical me to go  take a hike.I am allowing my emotions to run wild!As a result I am happier but I hurt more, I feel more love but  I cry more, I want to do more good but I feel helpless !

So many times I reach out to strangers (read my poor and underprivileged patients) because I feel a strong urge to do so! The power of a hug  or smile shared with them is limitless. It stays with me for a long long time.We don't owe each other anything emotionally. So many times, I don't even recognise them again later. Their faces and names become obscure after sometime but the surge of emotions stay for quite a while.

I spoke to a guy on the road recently who is apparently a certified loony. The kind of belief he had in what he thought was right was amazing.I was jealous of him. Because he is crazy, he's free! We are just prisoners of our own thoughts really!

I am an emotional buffoon. And I like me that way! I like that trip.I am an addict;)

When I have tried explaining these things to some of my friends ,they thought I needed therapy:)They are well meaning friends I know! Its just that they want me to be in control.Prim and propah,follow the norms,live the mundane existence,merge with the crowd,follow the rules set by society and breathe on! Because that is the best way to be! So easy:) I understand that-I do not need a therapist to explain that to me.I am not really wonky wonky  you know(though a part of me wishes I was!).

Ok the point is-I just don't wish to be in control all the time any more.

You think I'm just taking the easier way out .No ways! It not easy to let it be! Its human nature to try to be in control,to try to safeguard oneself from being hurt,emotionally as much as physically. We all have the ability to let go actually-to let go,to grieve ,to release attachments and move on with our lives.Since everything is temporary,humans are all gifted with the capacity to let go.

Conflict persists. For so many things, a part of me wants to let go, a part of me wants to hold on.These opposing desires cause me distress, yes! But isn't feeling distress in the scheme of things too?

This is where I want to let it be...let the conflicts be.I don't want to fight them for now.I can, its just that I don't want to.You may want to call it lack of motivation.But I just want to let it be!

Live and let live!One day at a time!

Ok the point again is-its not mandate to be happy all the time.It really is not!

Am I happy? Happy people don't write these weird things?Happy people write happy happy:)

But what is happiness really?Are the laws of happiness made 'for' us or 'by' us.As far as I can see- integrity,self respect ,authenticity and honor are the only things which are immutable.One can never be truly happy without these.

But there is conflict in my mind even as I say that.There is the voice of "sabotage " which wants to settle for less than  these  sometimes.Why ?Because I am human. Because it's alright to be confused,because it's alright to be having these conflicting thoughts.

I haven't  mastered the art of 'letting it be' yet-I am a work in progress.I am training my mind  to let love,attachments,needs,desires ,sorrow,everything to just take over-Que Sera Sera! I want to live free! I am absconding from that imminent  and omnipresent arrest warrant for not wanting to follow the rules!

Destiny and karma to rule my life-by default! Makes the journey less arduous:)

I went out cycling this morning.Flat tyre after riding a few kilometres - my cycle and I had to hitch a ride back home in an auto rickshaw. Workout cut short...so I ramble on!!!

People-be jealous of me;) I am drunk on my thoughts:)

Just another night!

It’s going to be a long night. Why? It’s my gut feeling! It’s been sometime since I have slept long hours at a stretch.

I want to do something worthwhile in life, but I don’t yet know where to start. High time, huh? Spoken like a weakling, you think? But I am a strong woman, mind you. I can smile through my woes; I can even laugh gregariously through them ;) I suspect I might have fooled many into thinking I am the happiest person around. Life itself is contradictory. So don’t blame me alone!

Tonight as I lie awake, like many other nights, I wonder if I am doing justice to this precious gift of life.Tonight again,as I lie awake taking stock of my life , I come to a dead end! I try to keep a clear conscience. I consciously work towards that.I don't want sympathy from anyone. I don't want to be served anything on a platter.I want to earn whatever it is that I deserve! Why then can’t I sleep as the world sleeps?

Recently, I was on a flight to another city to run an ultra marathon (yes, I have learned the trick to stay on my feet for very long hours ;) I will write about that another day!As always, I look out of the window in the aircraft and marvel at how far the ground appears and how beautiful the clouds look. So far so good. The next thing that comes to my mind is, I wish I was on a flight to oblivion instead, leading me to a horizon I did not recognize. I look out of the window again. No clouds, just clear blue skies! Have I really boarded that flight (of fancy)?

Fat chance. I know where I am going. I know why I am going there. I know the friends I am going to meet there. In fact I have it all planned, sorted and in place. And it was a good fun trip!

The mind, however, stays restless through the night. Something is amiss. I am not special. I keep blundering through life. I learn from my mistakes. I carry on. I have some romantic notions about life and how I want it to be .I have some wishes and desires which will never see the light of day. But that’s alright. Life is under no obligation to fulfil all my desires. I am not special.

I have experienced everything in abundance-love, respect, fear, sorrow. I have enough to live a comfortable life and more than enough to feel more blessed than many. I have no reason to complain!

But I am still searching for some answers:)

Welcome to my world! Do I make any sense? Does this all sound insane? Isn't sanity a trifle too overrated ?

Tomorrow is another day. Maybe I will wake up (pun intended!) wiser and do more justice to my life and times. Que sera sera.

My middle name is contradiction (and I change my middle name frequently-beware!)

You chose to read this-I was only thinking aloud;)

 I'll get there one day:

, I find myself wondering what I am doing with my life!I want to do something worthwhile but I don't know where to start!High time, huh?Tonight, like many other nights, I lie awake trying to take stock of my life and once again I reach a dead end.What am I doing with this precious gift of life?Ah, another weakling,you think!Hey, but I am a strong woman mind you.I can smile through my sorrows(even laugh gregariously through them;) and I suspect I have fooled many into thinking I am the happiest person around! Life itself is contradictory; don't just blame me!

I have had an easy life so far, lived my life the way I want to.The way I  have been treated by the people I have allowed access to in my life is also solely my doing.If they have treated me well, I deserved it; if they have treated me shoddily , I totally deserved it! I believe in destiny, I believe in karma-there isn't much else to rely on really! Everything else is so temporary!

Tonight, again, I just want to be at peace with myself and my surroundings.I want to believe I have a clear conscience and I try to work towards that.Why then do I feel so restless; why can't I sleep while the world sleeps?

Recently, I was on a flight to another city to run an ultra marathon(yes,I ha, as always , as to how distant the ground appeared and how beautiful the clouds looked.So far so good! The next thought that crossed my mind was , I wish I was  on a flight to oblivion instead, leading me to a horizon I would not recognize. I look out of the window again and now I see no clouds, just the clear blue sky.Where am I going? Have I really boarded that flight(of fancy)?

Fat chance.I know where I am going ,I know why I am going there,I know the friends I'll be meeting.I have it all planned,sorted and in place.And it was a good fun trip!

I am not special.I have many wishes and desires which I know may never see the light of day.But that is okay.Life is under no obligation to fulfil all my wishes.I am just another mortal with romantic notions about life and how I want it to be .I blunder through life, get some things right,get many things wrong.I learn my lessons . I carry on. I am not special.

I do not want things to be served to me on a platter either.I want to earn whatever it is I deserve.I do not want sympathy from anyone.I want to look at myself in the mirror and feel worthy.Some days, I do not feel so worthy .Tonight, I do not want to look at myself in the mirror.

I have got everything in abundance.Love, respect, enough to live a comfortable life and more than enough to realise I may be more blessed than many.

Why,then is the mind so restless? Do I make sense? Do I sound insane? Does everything have to make sense? Is living by the norm and doing the mundane the only way to a peaceful existence? Isn't sanity a trifle too overrated?

Welcome to my world. My middle name is contradiction(I keep changing my middle name-beware!)

I let destiny and karma take charge of my life-by default!I do not know